Bailey Zimmerman

Paul's drawing.....

2012-01-11T21:58:00.004-05:00

Paul has started to do some drawing....when he was a boy he did some amazing artwork.
He hasn't drawn in years....and since the stroke he has had no way to really
communicate.
I love this one.
When I looked at it I immediately knew what he was trying to convey...a man
with so much in his head so much he's trying to say and no way to express it.
A heavy burden and such a lose for the rest of us!!

Girls on the run......

2012-01-11T21:54:00.004-05:00

I just took a short trip to Florida...my daughter, Heather and her three cousins ran the
Disney World half marathon....they all did well!!!
Thumbs up...athletic and beautiful!!
(left to right....Heather...Carey....Lee and Jen)

My Daily Moleskine....

2011-10-15T22:09:00.036-04:00

A few days ago I decided to do a drawing a day.....here on some of my sketches in my 6" X 9" Moleskine notebook.

Thoughts on A G I N G . . . . .

2011-09-16T23:46:00.022-04:00

Recently, on a web-site,
there were postings in response to a video.
The video showed a couple in their 70's in front of the computer trying to get a program to work....they wanted to take a picture of themselves. They didn't realize they were actually recording themselves and not getting the still shot they wanted.
They were having a grand time.
He was goofing off, making faces and flirting....she was more serious but still going along with his sillies. It was warm and funny...they were having fun.
Several responses followed..."Oh, they are so adorable"...."Could they be any cuter?" " I hope to be that silly and pleasant when I'm their age".
I thought, only if you are that happy and that silly NOW.
They responses made me cringe.
Oh, I knew the responses were well meaning...but also demeaning. It was as if it were 'just so cute' that someone THAT age could still be flirty and have fun and enjoy each other. Their responses fit into the, ahhh isn't it a cute little puppy, category.
A couple in their 30's wouldn't have solicited the same responses.
I guess I hated the weird reactions....as we age are we really different people?
We don't feel any different. The mirror doesn't show how we actually feel....20 pounds lighter...arms without wings.
Sometimes I'm grateful for the diminished eyesight...I can keep my delusions.
A dear friend made a remark to his Dad as his Dad was getting ready for a date.
"Hey, it's no big deal....your almost 70". Dad turned to his son and said..."What the hell do you mean?...going on a first date still feels the same at 70 as it did when I was 16!"
I shouldn't be so harsh about the well-meaning comments. I should be grateful that someone noticed the sweet relationship.
I guess I wish/hope that the responders realize that that sweet relationship
developed over years and that they too can have the same thing...if they put in the years. It just isn't something nice that happens when the wrinkles appear.

The last 3 years have been an odd ride.
I've been dumped into old-age overnight.
When people see Paul and me with the wheelchair, cane....and other old-people-stuff we get very different reactions than we did just weeks prior to his stroke.
The reactions Paul receives break my heart.
Most of the time he is ignored.
But sometimes he is talked 'about'....or shouted at. One doctor pinched Paul's checks upon greeting...another asked me "How's Paul's pain"...I turned to Paul..."How's your pain?"
It's hard to watch Paul....it isn't comfortable to watch a man drag a leg and struggle to walk assisted.
To top it off...when someone talks to Paul and he can only answer with one word.
They stop.
I wish they wouldn't....I wish they'd give him a chance. He can still communicate and communicate well. He is very funny and still brilliant.
He is still here.
He still is the same man with all the fabulous life experiences.
A few months ago we went to dinner with a group of people...everyone was pleasant. Nice evening...but one of the men was on the boring side...an on-n'-on type of guy.
I thought to myself...I still find Paul more exciting and fascinating than this able-bodied gent.
I looked at Paul and he gave me a look....a look that said 1,000 words.
His real words still echo in my head...and I still find him warm and fascinating.
And yes he still flirts and says whoo-whoo when I walk in the room.
What more could a girl ask for?

Note: Photo is of Paul...rugby days.
Top photo is by Santy Ago....

A visit to Gettysburg.....Dr. Z on the road.

2011-08-23T23:51:00.005-04:00

Last weekend we decided to take a road trip...the first one that Paul has

taken since his stroke in November of 2008.

When we were at Kessler for rehab another patient mentioned that

they had been to Gettysburg recently and had a great time.

Gettysburg had been one of the places that Paul had wanted to go

and we never made it.

So off we went!

The Gettysburg Park Service offers guided tours.....DRIVING guided tours.

Perfect for someone with major mobility issues.

We lined up Jeff Kelly.

He was fabulous....and he DROVE.

Making him even more fabulous!!

He spent 2 1/2 hours driving us from site to site....he outlined the 3 day battle.

It was amazing....and I didn't even think I was interested in the Civil War.

The battlefields have been maintained as close as possible to the way they were in the summer

of 1863. Jeff told us that a group of people had the foresight right after the battle

to buy the land to preserve the sites.

Check out the official site..... Gettysburg Foundation.

New macro lens........

2011-07-24T16:26:00.002-04:00

Just a couple more in my Venetian series.....

2011-07-06T02:02:00.001-04:00

Venetian yesteryears.....

2011-07-02T15:17:00.010-04:00

The Bridge of Sighs & Santa Maria della Salute without scaffolding or advertisements.

The postcard of the Venetian flag is great....read the inscription. I checked out the two hotels that she mentioned. The Hotel Britannia is now the Europa & Regina.

Link to Europa $ Regina.

Very high end..and she was going to spend a month to six weeks....nice!!

LOL....I just noticed that I accidentally used the dollar sign.

Finally a DR. Z update......

2011-05-17T14:15:00.003-04:00

Click on text to enlarge.

May 13th....latest Venetian collage....

2011-05-13T14:48:00.001-04:00

Venetian collages.....

2011-04-10T00:41:00.010-04:00

I've been working on a series of small collages...8" X 10".....based on Venice !

Winston's Shoes at Versailles

2011-04-02T23:43:00.002-04:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-16T19:32:00.006-04:00

My Valentine.......

2011-02-15T15:27:00.006-05:00

I took a trip to see Heather & Nathan....Florida and Phoenix.
Paul had to stay at the Chelsea @ Montville.
This morning I went to pick him up....and as I packing his things to come home...
I see a gift....a gift bag with a little box inside.
He motioned that is was for me.
I opened it and found these earrings.
I couldn't figure out how, where, who had gotten these for Paul to give to me,
or even how he made them realize that he wanted to get me earrings.
I turned the bag over and found a name and phone number.
I called.
A few minutes later a lovely woman called me back.
She is the daughter of one of Paul's dinner companions.
Somehow one of his other companions,
Edna, told her that Paul had
admired her earrings and that Paul wanted to get a pair for me.
This sweet woman bought them and had them wrapped and surprised Paul.
Now...I'm crying.
How in the hell did all this happen?
Paul still can't read, write or speak....
yet somehow he communicated....
and somehow
two very dear people helped to make his wish come true.
Now that is one special pair of earrings....from my dear, sweet Valentine.

Venetian faces....

2011-01-16T00:49:00.005-05:00

Merry Christmas......

2010-12-25T01:17:00.003-05:00

Venetian Windows/Doors - November 2010

2010-12-12T15:46:00.017-05:00

Venetian Walls/Textures IV - 2010

2010-12-12T00:55:00.014-05:00

Venetian Walls/Textures III- 2010

2010-12-12T00:48:00.015-05:00

Venetian Walls/Textures II - November 2010

2010-12-12T00:13:00.012-05:00

Venetian Walls/Textures - November 2010

2010-12-11T23:33:00.017-05:00

This year as I wandered the calli in Venice I decided on a theme....I wanted to capture layers of history on the walls of Venezia.
Here is the first of several posts.
Ahhh Venenzia...she is a beauty!

Happy Halloween ! !

2010-10-31T11:22:00.004-04:00

The last of the red leaves....stems!

10/12/10

2010-10-12T11:49:00.002-04:00

Venetian posters up for auction....

2010-10-11T22:34:00.006-04:00

No I didn't bid.....but I can dream!

The world is a little bit sadder place today...

2010-10-01T11:54:00.005-04:00

Wally the dog, died this morning!
He was a dear heart...he had the most human face of any dog I've ever seen!
My dear daughter and and her family will be sad for a long time!
You were the sweetest little friend!
Wally we love you!!

My Venetian Slideshow......

2010-09-30T22:28:00.003-04:00

Venetian Adventures Slideshow: Bailey Zimmerman’s trip from Mountain Lakes, New Jersey, United States to Venice, Italy was created by TripAdvisor. See another Venice slideshow. Take your travel photos and make a slideshow for free.

To see full screen, click on small square with four arrows!

Moo.com

2010-09-16T14:36:00.006-04:00

I just ordered business cards & postcards from Moo.com.
The quality is terrific.
You can order as few as 50 and have 50 different designs on one side....the reverse side, with address etc, are all the same........

The postcards are brilliant and the colors are spot on.....also same deal.....cards may be several designs. No need to order 100 cards with 100 of the same image!!

Check out Moo's website.

New baby on board........

2010-09-12T21:20:00.005-04:00

We've added a new member to our family!! Eleanor Grace arrived on the 30th of August. 6 pounds 12 ounces.....and 18.5".
I love the look on her face in the bottom photo...it shows her adorable personality.
Her big brother, Dean is a real champ. He was telling her something and when she didn't respond, he tapped her on the shoulder..."Eleanor"..............

The Cliff House....North Island New Zealand

2010-07-11T16:35:00.014-04:00

We rented this amazing property while we were in New Zealand.

It's located outside Whangarei on the North Island.

This has to be one of my all time favorite places that we've ever stayed.

The windows opened from floor to ceiling....onto a deck.

I remember the sweet breeze, clean air...and the endless views!!

Check out Cliff House's website.

North Island New Zealand

2010-07-11T16:20:00.014-04:00

A few days ago I realized that I hadn't worked on photos that

I had taken on our 2005 trip to New Zealand.

Here are images of the far north on the North Island.

We met a wonderful guide to the Far North....Philip Cross.

He took the two of us on an amazing trip of the 90 Mile Beach.

We saw wild horses, quick sand, miles and miles of white sand....it was a

beautiful, isolated day!!

One terrific memory!!

I'd highly recommend a day with Phil...

Here is a link to his site.

Dick Vermeil and Peter King.....

2010-07-11T14:34:00.012-04:00

Hi everyone!!
It's been awhile since I've posted an update.
Paul progress is so slow...that I'd have to say he's at a plateau.
Hey, at least he isn't backsliding. It takes a ton of effort to keep him at
his current physical level.
Mentally he hasn't lost anything...but to keep him up to par with his walking and
arm movement we have to go to five physical therapy sessions weekly.
Speech is still two days a week with his therapist Laura....and daily sessions at home...with me.
Plus all of Paul's additional at-home exercise.

Last week we went to the cardiologist.
Paul's numbers are amazing.
Cholesterol 119....blood pressure 110 over 60.
The doc said he'll live to be 100.
My number's?
Too terrible to divulge.
I may live til next week.
All kidding aside...it made me realize that I have to get back to a daily
workout. So I've been getting up at dawn to work out.
Someone has to be around to take care of Paul!

Last week we had a lovely time with Dick Vermeil and Peter & Ann King.....rounding out the group was Barbara Neibart, and Arthur Frank and Karen Robbins.
It was a fabulous feast with Dick's wines front and center.
His XXXIV, which hasn't been released, but will be shortly.....is
F A N T A S T I C !!
A gorgeous deep cherry colored wine packed with rich fruit.
Ambrosia!

Thanks so much everyone for such a wonderful show of love and support!!

I loved Peter's Monday Morning Quarterback column last week.
Great story about Brad Childress and his son Andrew.
Andrew, a Marine, is serving in Afganistan.
There are so many touching things in the column....here is
a link.

Take a minute and check out the website for Vermeil Wines.
Here is a link.

Photo of the day!

2010-05-27T21:16:00.002-04:00

Photo of the day...or every other day...

2010-05-21T09:48:00.009-04:00

I haven't had much time to post lately...hope to catch up soon.

I will try to post a photo a few times a week!!

This one is taken from Heron House B&B in Anacortes Washington...on the last trip Paul and I took.

Here's a link to Heron House

Munich...as promised

2010-04-22T15:36:00.011-04:00

This is my all-time favorite!! Paul was a Pulitzer Prize finalist for his work covering the 1972 Olympic Games in Munich...took a rifle butt in the side of the head to get inside the Olympic Village on the day of the massacre, the only writer to make it through the barrier.

ps I just want to mention that this is a rough draft...Paul wrote it while talking to me. I haven't corrected the spelling or checked punctuation etc.

Thank you Claudio for pointing this out.....

Beefing up the rehab....

2010-04-22T14:46:00.010-04:00

In January & February we took a mini break.

We went three days a week for Physical Therapy...but took a break from Speech and Occupational Therapy. Paul still did his 5 hours a day at home...but I needed a little time to put our retirement together. I needed time to handle paperwork.

In March we started adding more again...now we are back to the full load and doing more sessions at home.

I see a big improvement.

Paul is showing progress in his verbal drills. He still can't speak spontaneously but he can imitate a set of two letter words. We're just hoping that someday he'll jump the fence into spontaneity.

ps...Can't wait for the trees to get all their leaves....

Happy Easter & Spring to all!!!

2010-04-04T13:11:00.001-04:00

Paul's dilemma...Prosopagnosia

2010-03-20T13:27:00.010-04:00

Yesterday as we were driving to Kessler for rehab, I was talking to Paul about this strange disorder. I asked him if he knew that there is a section of the brain that just deals with recognizing faces.

He started to gesture wildly and tried telling me something.

I told him that one of the other caregivers had mentioned that their family member had suffered this lose...not being able to recognize faces...not be able to identify family and friend's faces.

It's called prosopagnosia.

Paul pointed to himself....and said "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!"

As if to say...."you finally got it....I can't recognize faces!!"

I just can't believe that we...I, the doctors, staff...etc hadn't figure this out in 17 months since his strokes.

One more point for the opposing team!

Coming up daisies....

2010-03-19T16:57:00.003-04:00

Here's to a glorious spring weekend!!

Paul has more spring in his step.....

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2010-03-17T22:34:00.009-04:00

I captured the heart cloud floating over the Deserted Village on Achill Island in County Mayo.

Here's a link to Deserted Village.

We stayed at Coxtown Manor (8 down)...it's said to be haunted. The food was fabulous!

Check out Coxtown Manor.

We also rented a wonderful flat in Rosturk Woods (9 down).... click here to see it!

Photo 3 was taken on Dingle Penisula....4 Keem Bay, Achill Island.

5 Ring of Kerry

6 & 7 Inny Strand County Kerry

9 Rosturk Woods, Achill Island, County Mayo

10 & 11 Dingle Penisula

12& 13 The Burren, County Clare

14 Achill Island, County Mayo

My amazingly talented friend...Barbara Neibart!

2010-03-14T15:16:00.013-04:00

Barbara is sending out a rough draft of her book.....WILD LIFE !!

It is poignant, funny and yes WILD!!

Know any publishers interested in a fabulous idea??

Here's a link to Barbara's website.

Check it out and see more of her terrific work!

Bad day for our neighbors....

2010-03-14T14:44:00.007-04:00

We've had a ton of rain....this huge tree ripped through the entire house.

Thank God everyone made it out!!

If anyone would like to send a donation to help the Kane family the local YMCA is accepting donations in their name. Send to:

YMCA/ Barbara Kane

100 Fanny Road

Mountain Lakes, NJ 07046

The number at the YMCA is....973-334-2820

Micheal Castaldo's.... new CD.

2010-03-12T01:15:00.010-05:00

I'm honored to say that this very talented man includes me in his circle of light!!

Here's his latest music video.... click here. When you reach You Tube....type in Guarda Questa Terra, Micheal Castaldo....in the SEARCH box.
Maybe someone can teach me how to get a You Tube video posted on my Blog?

Here is a link to Micheal Castaldo's website.

(Photo by Greg Riccio)

Two Nuts in Italy!

2010-03-11T15:35:00.006-05:00

What fun I've had all week reading this book!

I'm rationing it...don't want to end my time with Sue Ellen and her kids.

A few years ago her daughter invited her to backpack through Italy for three months in the summer! They had a few rules...no reservations and no credit cards.

It was a wild ride. With some help from a few web-sites...Couch Surfing.com and

Hospitality Club they found places to stay.

I recommend this book if you want a great read!

Check out Sue Ellen's blog.

Update and Moscow 1980 Olympics

2010-03-11T14:06:00.010-05:00

Sorry about a delay in posting.

I've been having fun with Social Security and various insurance companies...getting to know everyone on a first name basis. Not sure how well the friendships are progressing.

Paul is downstairs working away... hour four of exercising....REALLY!

He just won't give up!

I found Paul a set of seven operas featuring his favorite tenor...Giuseppe Di Stefano.

He can't listen to Di Stefano singing Tosca without crying!

I see Paul crying then I start...it's messy around here today.

We've had a nice week.

Saturday Peter & Ann King and Matt Millen met us for lunch at Tabor Road Tavern.

Matt lives in the country and farmer has been added to his credits. His calving stories are hilarious. Paul had tears rolling down his face.

I guess any story requiring chains and getting shit in the face is funny....right?

Tom Ward came by yesterday to bring a case of surprises to Paul....Vermeil wine surprises.

We just had a bottle of 2003 Zin - Frediani Vineyard...a gorgeous wine!!

Full of depth and dark, rich fruit....ahhh!!

Yesterday I received a call from Tom Danyluk. He's compiled several articles that Paul has had published over the years and he is going to send me a disc so that I can make a copy for Paul. Thanks Tom!

I am so grateful that so many people keep Paul in their hearts!! It's the only way we are making it through this neck-whipping ride.

I thought a few of you might like glimpse of some of the book that Paul had started to write before his stroke...his memoirs.

I scanned his rough draft of his coverage of the 1980 Olympics.

Here it is......

Genevieve Seille

2010-02-13T13:26:00.007-05:00

Here is a link to an article about Genevieve Seille.

2/10/10 - snow snow snow

2010-02-10T14:29:00.007-05:00

Yes...a quiet day inside with no way to get out!!

H E A V E N !!

Paul is ticking away downstairs to the beat of the metronome.

He now does his exercises to a set pace....helps with motor skills.

Paul is slowly improving....speech is still lagging behind.

BUT he is better able to

communicate.

He is becoming more mobile & can locate items.

It still is not easy for a man of words to be locked inside!!

I went to Fort Lauderdale to see my Heather, Steve and Dean.

We celebrated Dean's 3rd birthday....a glorious, sunny breezy day...with 22 kids and 40 parents.

The "bounce house" was a huge hit....great way to keep two dozen 3 year olds entertained!

Someday Paul will be able to make the trip with me....til then we keep trying!!

Off to make a glorious meal and have some wine!!

Venetian wandering & window shopping....

2010-01-23T15:20:00.018-05:00

For Katherine.....

2010-01-23T13:48:00.008-05:00

Katherine these are for you.....have a wonderful Saturday!!

These images were taken in Dorsoduro, Venice.

As the year comes to a close.....

2009-12-31T15:48:00.003-05:00

I want to thank all of Paul's therapists!!
A special thanks to Aaron....he has put so many of Paul's pieces back together!
Here's to a Healthy New Year full of joy!!

Mr. September

2009-12-20T15:29:00.006-05:00

Paul is Mr. September in the 2010 Kessler Institute for Rehabilitation, calendar.

I think it was quite an honor to be chosen as one of twelve....there are thousands of people that come through the Kessler system every year.

I still can't believe how much determination he has....right now he is downstairs watching the game and exercising.

He never gives up!!

Venice 2009 Book

2009-12-20T14:25:00.013-05:00

Here is the cover of my latest book of images.

I have also put more in my "My Gallery-Buy Images"...on the right side of blog.
Just scroll down to 'Venice 2009-November'.

I've also posted my book on Shutterfly.
Just click on the link below. Once you are in Shutterfly.com click on
COMMUNITY
and when it comes up there is a box on the right,
SEARCH COMMUNITY
type in 'Bailey Zimmerman'...and click.

My newest book is the book on top.
(sorry about this round about way to get to it...I've tried posting a direct link...no go!)
Click here to go to Shutterfly.

12/20/09

2009-12-20T12:56:00.005-05:00

A Dictionary Story - Sam Winston

2009-12-15T15:52:00.012-05:00

I just received my copy of Sam Winston's A Dictionary Story...it is fabulous!
He also included a limited edition print...which I'm going to run out and have framed.
I am so excited about his work...it's a great holiday present I gave to myself!
Please check him out.
I hate to say this....because I don't like to put a price on art...but here goes....his Dictionary book is only 15 pounds/ $30 US.
It is a real steal....it is really a beautiful book!
His site has really great reproductions of his work.
Here is the link to Sam's Site.

Venetian finds.....

2009-12-13T16:14:00.005-05:00

I found a wonderful little antique shop in Dorsoduro....Antichita Da Canal.

The little framed hearts caught my eye.
The shopkeeper tried to explain to me in Italian that the hearts in boxes were blessings sent to the Virgin Mary asking for favors. I thought that Paul could use a FAVOR or two.
If anyone has more info to add....please let me know.

I also found a stack of postcards and envelopes....Giuseppi Rolla was really prolific.
A touch of lace from a century or two ago....
I spent hours sorting and daydreaming.......

Tortcello...Dr. Z vs Hemingway

2009-12-06T14:34:00.022-05:00

Every year I make the trek to Torcello....an island in the Veneto.
It takes a little over an hour from San Zaccaria vaporetto stop in Venice..with two changes.
I love the leisurely trip...a trip back in time!
Why Torcello?
In two words...Locanda Cipriani.
It's the restaurant that Hemingway would visit...staying in the rooms above.
The staff was very interested in my story about Paul boxing with Hemingway.
When Paul was 15 he worked out in Brown's Gym.
Here's the story....I'm quoting from one of Paul's old mailbag columns....SI August 23, 2003.

"Now the questions about my past. Did I really box with Ernest Hemingway?
Yes. My best friend in high school was Paul Lansky, whose father was, well, you know who. We wanted to be fighters, so after school we used to to go down to George Brown's gym on West 57th Street in NYC to train. Brown had been the trainer for the old middleweight champ, Harry Greb. It was kind of a celebrity gym and Hemingway was the No. 1 celebrity. He liked to get in the ring, and they'd put me in with him because we were about the same size, although I was only 15 and 16 at the time. Brown's instructions to me were always the same. No right hands. He didn't want some wild-assed high school punk driving away his best customers. I have to laugh when I hear descriptions about how good a fighter Hemingway was. Actually he was a big, burly guy who liked to try to maul you in the clinches. You had to watch yourself. What the experience did for me was to develope a good left hand, since, as I mentioned, I couldn't use the right.
Hemingway was a well-liked figure in the gym. A nice, friendly guy. He'd come in there hungover a lot of the time, and wrap himself in some sort of rubber thing and get into the steam room to sweat out the booze. Then he'd get into the ring. His nickname at Brown's was Broadsides. Paulie, my buddy, became captain of the West Point boxing team. A fine little lightweight. I never did much, although I was never knocked off my feet. Oh yes, what's my favorite of Hemingway's writing? Has to be a short story, since I've always felt that he was better at story-length than novel-length. Probably a story called 'The Light of the World', about two prostitutes. of of whom claimed to have known Stanley Kitchell, the middleweight champ."

You never know in life...when some past experience will come in handy. The strokes left Paul initially with no use of his right hand. Maybe some of his old training helped him get used to using his left hand? We start 'restraint therapy' tomorrow. You have to limit the use of your strong hand and use the weaker one....over and over.....and over....
Wish us luck...yes I'm saying us. I have to actively participate.
So not only wish us luck...wish ME patience!

Here's a link to Locanda Cipriani.

ps The top photo is the view from our table in the dining room.
It is a lovely way to spend an afternoon....an old-world experience with a lovely staff...and a room full of memories!!
It is one of Paul's fondest Venetian memories!

2009-11-30T23:03:00.000-05:00

2009-11-29T00:03:00.001-05:00

2009-11-28T23:34:00.000-05:00

Venice November 2nd - 17th

2009-11-28T21:25:00.021-05:00

I can't believe that I've been back only eleven days...feels as if it
were a month ago.
So much happens within a week!

Every year I take the only non-stop flight from JFK to Venice....it use to be flight #150. It's now flight #186. I swear it was a 7 hour flight just three years ago....and now 9 hours.
I looked it up in my journal.
Yup 7 hours....now they say 9 and when we arrive
'early'...the flight attendants go on and on about an early arrival.
Nope....just a built in defense from the airline.

This year I had a great seatmate....Sandy.
A flight attendant with American Airlines.
We hit it off... within 9 hours we felt like family.
Sandy even came down from the Dolomites to visit us for the day.
On top is a photo of Sandy on the right...Gail, my sister on left.

I adore Venice....the feeling is magical to me.
Lost in history...touching the stones that so many generations have touched before.
Walking the same calle that Casanova...Byron....Goldoni....Vivaldi.......thousands have tread...leaving a lasting echo.
This year we stayed at the same studio apartment that we stayed last year.
Corte Tiepolo. Halfway thru we switched to the larger apartment across the hall.
(An error in booking...sigh)
It may have been a great mistake. It was terrific having the extra space....two bedrooms and two full baths. The price tag is double...but ohhh the comfort.
It also gave us the opportunity to have a party!!
Elizabetta, Barbara, Morena, Matteo and Mauro always have dinners for us...it was our turn.
Matteo is the one with the pot on his head.......sure wine was involved.
Morena Matteo and Mauro have a great wine store near the Rialto Bridge in Castello....Bottiglieri Collona. But I admit that I had never seen Matteo with a pot on his head at the store.
Here is a link to Tiepoletto, the larger apartment.
Another link to Corte Tiepolo.

Gail & I shopped for days....finding just the right glasses and desserts and more glasses and a few more goodies. It was so nice having the large table and living room. My little iPod speaker worked great.
It was a great night...everyone stayed til almost 2 am.
The next Saturday night, Elisabetta had a dinner at her house on Guidecca.
The food? Turkey in honor of our upcoming Thanksgiving. It was turkey with a twist...paprika, cream, wine, onion, leeks.....divine.
The ultimate surprise?
Her homemade tiramisu.
Gail passed out in rapture!!
We staggered out of Elisabetta's at 3 am....her neighbors were thrilled to hear us leave.
In fact...all of Guidecca cheered as the vaporetto pulled away from Rendentore!

Cannaregio

2009-11-24T23:03:00.001-05:00

eye-level Grand Canal

2009-11-24T22:31:00.002-05:00

Salute at sunset...

2009-11-22T22:36:00.001-05:00

As promised.....

2009-11-22T13:33:00.003-05:00

We are both home safe n' sound.

I had worried so much about being away from Paul.
Would he regress....miss me so much he'd collapse in a heap?
NO WAY!!
I know he was happy to make it home and back into his own environment....his own bed.
I'm so grateful for all or our friends that came to see him....he was voted "most popular".
Well, at least by his adoring group of tablemates....there were moist eyes all around and a chorus of..."your husband is so kind and generous and warm".....
"his head is going to swell to the point you won't be able to get him out the door".
I had to promise to bring him back for a visit...or I wasn't getting him out the door to come home!
In all seriousness.....I really want to thank Mary Beth....who looked past Paul's many disabilities and realized how wonderful and persistent he is.....if she hadn't thought 'half-full' she wouldn't have admitted Paul to Chelsea. I can't thank her enough! She also rallied her troops...the entire staff was stellar.....5 star!!

Paul's time at Chelsea was marked by visits from Andrew.....who came out one Sunday to watch the games. Warren and Barbara came at the same time.....a football fest!!

Barbara was a dear....she brought Penny, the glamorous pup for another visit. Rumor has it that one of the residents at Chelsea was standing guard at the door. ""You are not bringing THAT dog in here"" with a few very choice words to follow. Barbara had the go-ahead to bring THAT dog.....so she had to wait for the 'guard' to wander away and ran like hell into Paul's room.

Elle supplied homemade cookies to keep Paul happy.

Joni and Paul's longtime neighbor, Barbara came together for a visit...I think that Football was the topic of conversation.

A big THANK YOU to Aaron and Katherine for keeping Paul in the loop with therapy sessions!
Speaking of therapy.....how did Paul do?
Did he backslide?
Absolutely NOT!
He couldn't wait to get away from my watchful eye.
He now doesn't use the urinal.
Doesn't need any help getting dressed.
He's kicking his leg even higher during his leg exercises....so high that I told him I was sending in his application.
I heard that the Rockettes were short by one.

I don't think...no I know, he wouldn't be as far ahead if he hadn't gone to Chelsea. I was too afraid to let him loose. It's tough standing by as he teeters. But he is as strong as an ox.
So I don't help...but I do stand guard....at least for now!

Thanks to all that wrote!!
Sarah, dear, you'll have to translate your letter....I think I got most of it.
Bettie....you're a dear!
Denis...what a treat hearing from you!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all....you made our year!!

Dorsoduro

2009-11-21T23:44:00.002-05:00

We're home....

2009-11-19T15:35:00.004-05:00

and unpacking.....I promise an update soon.
All is well....Paul is doing really well!

I had an incredible time...........

2009-10-22T14:15:00.001-04:00

We're packing our bags . . .

2009-10-22T13:13:00.008-04:00

We're packing our bags....wish us luck!!
On the first of November I'm going on my annual trip with my sister....for some R&R.
And for a dose of creativity...enough to get me through for at least a year!!
Paul will be going to the Chelsea at Montville.
He will be there from the 1st of November til the 17th of November.

If anyone is inclined to drop him a note....here is the address:

Chelsea at Montville
Attention: Paul Zimmerman room# A 123
165 Changebridge Road
Montville, NJ 07045

We've lined up Physical Therapy and Speech Therapy sessions.
Visited the Doctor to get prescriptions and let him know the details of Paul's stay.
We're making all of Paul's menu selections ahead of time.
The NY Times is being delivered....friends are all chipping in.
I've lined up Fredy to stay at the house with Jac.
Paul's frig will be loaded with extras and he'll have photos and workbooks....
I feel as if I'm getting a dorm room put together!!
I've packing everything in the house that isn't nailed down.

He's been great about taking a break!
It's me that is as nervous as hell!!
I do have to say that Mary Beth and Lorraine from the Chelsea have been heaven sent!
We have spent hours with them....going over every little detail so that Paul is comfortable and safe.
They've fallen in love with him!
His spirit and drive are so evident that it is contagious!

Now....if everyone will send a prayer and a wish for a safe trip for both of us....
we'll be on our way!!

ps...and pray like hell that someone lines up his games.......lol

PSS...Tomorrow is Paul's Birthday...the 23rd!
Shhh...he hates to celebrate....but I found an Amarone....he won't mind that much!!

American Conservative....this is a first....

2009-10-11T18:32:00.004-04:00

An old classmate of Paul's called this week and asked...
"Has Paul seen the latest edition of American Conservative"?
Hmmmmm I said...."I don't think he has ever seen any copy of American Conservative". ............. ....... ...
A G Gancarski wrote a great piece.......
and Paul was one of the few living sport's writers mentioned in a positive light!!

Autumn coming in the door

2009-10-04T13:07:00.009-04:00

We've been busy....as usual with rehab....and daily living.

It's Sunday....so that means F O O T B A L L ! !
I am not complaining....Paul is finally interested in keeping up his football schedule.
Which means I am in charge of the arrangements....food on time....newspapers in order....channels arranged.
Thank God, there is a Last-Channel-Viewed button on the remote. It makes it so much easier for Paul.
He can't figure out the numbers on the remote.

It is amazing the things that are impossible for him to do.
Simple things that he understands but can't quite get his body to perform.
He understands that the games are on 2 and 5 today....but there is no way he can find that on the remote.

The toughest aspect for him to conquer is speech.
We do the exercises over and over and over.....
mmmmmmmmmm
oooooooooooooo
dddddddddddd
doe doe doe doe doe
but he can only do them if he mimics what I do.
Most of the time he can mimic...sometimes he hits a glitch and can't make him mouth do what his brain is telling it to do.
(lol for those of you that know him well...your saying "what else is new?"
he always blurted things out without thinking.)
There are a few words that he uses...No and yah.
He is much better with NO.
He also gets the answer correct most of the time....but there are times when he says YAH and means NO. I can usually tell if he's off his mark...I ask again.
"are you sure?" He's usually surprised that he hadn't said it correctly.

We're working on gestures.
He usually starts with the "I have to go" gesture as a response for everything.
"nope wrong gesture...you just went"
He shakes it off and then tries again....and again and again.

Again and again and again and again times a million.
That is our life now.
Paul does not give up.
There is no one that can compete with his perseverance.
I'd put him up against anyone!!
Maybe there should be an Olympic competition for perseverance?

Yesterday Jonathan and Marge and MDavid drove out from the city to meet us for lunch!!
I can't believe the effort that so many make to keep in touch with Paul.
Once again Paul won the eating-the -most competition.
He also won the falling-out-of-his-chair event.
It was a soft roll...and then a soft landing. Not a big thump and his head was spared.
It did draw the attention of the rest of the diners...and I'm thankful for the assist from the big guy at the neighboring table.
I guess Paul's ass is rounder than it use to be?

Art Rooney Jr sure knows Paul....he sent chocolates.
Perfect!
Paul loves a piece of candy or two in the evening.

I'm sure you are all wondering...."is he packing on the pounds?"
No way....he is exercising non-stop, even on the days he doesn't go to rehab.
We start out the day with a round of massage...then he does some bench presses and over the head lifts.
He uses his cane as the bar.
He follows up with shoulder lifts...shrugs...etc.
Vocal & facial exercises round it off....
and that is before he has breakfast.

We are coming up to the year anniversary of Paul's first stroke....November 22nd.
November 22nd used to be the day Kennedy was assassinated....not anymore.
We've actually gotten into a good routine...and I try to remain patient....I surprise myself.
I think that it is possible to keep a better attitude because Paul is so upbeat.
We help each other.

I am planning a break in November.
I'm going with my sister...we have taken a trip every year during football season.
Last year I went with my good friend Barbara. Gail was home with her daughter.
This year we are heading out together again.
Paul is very supportive.
I am terrified...I have spent dozens of nights worrying.
"How will he get by without me?"
"Will he be safe?"
"Will he be able to make himself understood?"
When I tell him my concerns he laughs and waves them off....he doesn't want me to worry.
But I worry!
But I also really, really need a break.
I need some creative time.
This sounds nuts....but I'm actually looking forward to the flight. Sitting still and doing nothing but listening to music.
It's been months since I used my iPod.
When I am next to Paul we listen to his music and if I go into the next room I have the monitor on and I'm still listening to his music.
Really I am not bitching...so please no messages about how terribly selfish I am.
I know....I'm a selfish wench...you don't have to tell me!!

When my sister was here in August I went to several places to find just the right place for Paul to go when I am away. It was the 6th place and it felt just right.
Everyone seemed happy....and very active and supportive of each other.
Paul will have his own studio....so he'll have time alone.
He likes some solitude.
You wouldn't believe the process of getting him ready. The doctor's visits....nursing evaluation..forms...shots....TB test.....the packing......the hauling. Paul just shakes his head.
"Just put my stuff in a bag and drop me off"!!

Please wish us luck...I'll leave on the 1st of November.

Happiness...

2009-09-20T14:40:00.009-04:00

I belong to an internet group of women from around the world.
The other day one of them mentioned that they were truly happy.
I started thinking about it and realized that I am
truly happy.
I am truly loved and I know that I am capable of truly loving.
Paul is improving every day....in tiny increments.
BUT improvement is improvement.

What is happiness?

Contentment?

I can't say I'm content....that is a little too complacent for where we are now...we can't afford contentment.

But we can afford a huge dose of happiness and laughter.

Paul is downstairs watching the Jets and New England....he is wrestling with the newspapers. It's not easy with one hand....but he damn well does it...and he does it damn well!

The light from lake is dancing on my studio ceiling....and a lonesome bird is chirping to himself.

I love this quiet time of year!

Windows open...soft golden light....the slowing down of summer.

I wonder how I'll feel when fall finally kicks in?

November 22 will mark a year into this journey.

I've always adored autumn....but I wonder if it will sting?

Feels like autumn

2009-09-11T11:38:00.006-04:00

Time to break out my favorite earrings...bought them on Murano last November.

Surreal

2009-09-07T13:36:00.004-04:00

We sit at the kitchen table and read the paper.....

I read.....

Paul tries..........

I watch...

he really tries for hours to read.

This morning he looked across the table and shrugged...I knew.

I knew he can't make out the words.

I cried.

I don't know exactly why I cried.

Is it the fact that I'm pissed..."why Paul?...he loved to read and he read and read and read...why not some idiot that doesn't even bother reading?"

Do I cry because of the effort he puts into trying to read? I'm serious he tries for hours every day.

He reads football stats...newspapers...charts....TV Guides.

You name it, he still tries.

I still can't believe this is happening....it can't be real!!

Time marches on....and on.

2009-09-05T23:21:00.004-04:00

Here we are approaching 10 months....seems closer to 10 years!
The last week has been good...we keep in constant motion...somehow that seems to help.
Less time to dwell on what isn't and look closer at what is.
What is?
Humor is what is.....
Paul is constantly trying to hide things....
faking a frozen hand....
making crazy faces.
I do have to say he stopped with the seizure-faking.

The last week he has started to do something that is really wonderful...
it seems simple but it is really wonderful.
He can pretty much say "yah" and "no". It only took 10 months and thousands of hours.
It works really well at home....between us. If we are out with others and he really wants to talk....then it's less consistent.

Earlier this week Peter King called and wanted to come out with Ann on Friday to meet us for lunch. That evening Jared Bell called and also asked about lunch on Friday.
We all headed to Montville Inn.
It was great catching up with everyone and hearing some football news.
Bittersweet....
Paul is so far behind and so busy surviving rehab...he was...
geeze....not quite sure exactly how he felt.
He seems OK without his game.
But it really seems so odd to me...he adored football and all that surrounded the game.

Maybe survival leaves no room for anything else?

Paul & I went for a walk today....heard a woodpecker.
Love the hollow knocking sound.
The melancholy shadow of the arrival of fall.
My favorite time of year.....I ain't no sissy....I can handle the shadows of life.

The mystery of autumn!

Letter from Joel

2009-09-05T23:02:00.005-04:00

Hi Linda,

Sorry for not having e-mailed in some time (I was the guy from Michigan that emailed about Ann Arbor and U of M). I hope all is well with Paul and especially you. I read the blog and felt that I had to write you today.

I was moved and inspired by your words and wanted to say thank you for continuing to "share" Paul with us through your your blog. The "humaness" and raw emotion you bring to posting about your personal feelings and Paul is inspiring and refreshing.

Because of my new job, I haven't been able to keep up with reading the blog as much. Reading his memoirs made me smile, like his wit and humor always has. Also made me tear up at my desk, reminded of Paul and the amazing complexity and humor that is him. I LOVED the boring bug story, especially as the father of a precocious and articulate seven year old boy wise beyond his years. To mentally picture him on ABC invoking the Boring Bug is pricleless and a great example of how I think of Dr Z from growing up reading his articles. And wondering as a young boy what kind of Dr. he was! :)

I have also come to appreciate the IMMENSE amount of talent and gifts in your household through your phtotgraphy. Your gift to capture nature and have a simple picture emote feelings inside someone is awe inspiring.

I continue to keep you and Paul in my prayers. I really think the phrase "behind every great man, there is an even greater woman" was written with you in mind. For everyone who cares about Paul or Dr. Z. a million thanks and sincere gratitude. As always, you are Paul's rudder and compass that we as his readers have known for years.

Take care,
Joel

Joel I appreciate your kind words more than I can express..................

What a neck....

2009-09-05T20:10:00.009-04:00

Check out the neck on #51 for the Buffalo Bills, Paul Posluszny. (Second row, second from left)

Have you ever seen a neck like his?? His neck is the size of most thighs.................

Click on photo to get a real look at that neck......

I took a walk....

2009-09-01T13:41:00.005-04:00

I took a walk this morning....a very fast walk....the first exercise that
I've been able to do since February, when I brought Paul home from Kessler.
It was great!!
Here's the Jay feather I found along the way. . . .

Music and movement...

2009-08-29T15:13:00.004-04:00

It's Saturday....our day of rest!
Hey, I think I need it more than Paul.
I can hear him downstairs....stepping away on his Reebok Step.
I'll go back down in a few and then he can practice walking backwards, sideways
& in a square.
This week Aaron put him through the wringer.
He had Paul go down the lonnnnng stairway at Kessler.....down, down to the basement....and back.
The amazing part?
Paul went from step to step with one foot on each step and no cane!!
Paul has sailed past where he was prior to the seizure.
When he finished I could hear him laughing....the loudest laugh I've heard since his stroke.
I had to go around the corner to find out what was so funny. Aaron asked him
"hey, did you hear about the plane that landed in the Rockaway Mall parking lot?"
The laughter made my week...month!
Once again I'm here to sing Aaron's praises!
He's helping Paul aim for the moon!

Paul is constantly asking to do more speech drills.
He is trying....I mean, trying....clawing his way back!
His effort surpasses words.

Nikki, Paul's cousin meet us for lunch. She really goes outta her way....she lives in Palm Desert and comes east to see her girls and sister. BUT she makes the effort to drive from Manhattan through the tunnel and wanders through Newark....to find her way to Paul!!
What a gem!!

Hope everyone is well?
Having a great summer....love to hear from everyone...with summer news!!
Love to all!

Game of War......

2009-08-23T21:58:00.013-04:00

Yesterday Paul had a breakthrough.....he wasn't very impressed
but I was thrilled.
Paul & I played a game of cards...WAR.
I know that sounds pretty simple....but it is huge.
He was just as fast as I was....not that that is any great feat.
But it is NORMAL.
It's been 9 months since his stroke.
If someone had told me that it would be that long to get to this point I would have
thought that there was no way we could remain at this high level of
effort and persistence....on either of our parts.
But here we are.....swinging along and grateful for
small accomplishments.

He has totally switched to Keppra...which may explain the additional awareness/advances.
There is a study at the West Orange Kessler.....Keppra and its affect on aphasia in stroke victims.
Dr. Barrett had asked Paul if he wanted to participate. She inquired before he had a seizure. We thought "ugh...a powerful anti-seizure med...is is worth the risk?"
Duh.....then Paul had a seizure.
So in hindsight it would have been a grand idea.
Anyway....there has been some evidence that Keppra is beneficial for aphasia.
Now that Paul has had a seizure he can't participate in the trial....but he still gets to see if he has some of the benefits of the drug.

Today Andrew Perloff and his wonderful, lovely bride, Sarah came out to Jersey to see Paul....we meet at Montville Inn for brunch. Gail, my sister, dear friends Barbara and Warren rounded out the group. We had peach Bellini's and stuffed ourselves with great egg dishes.
Paul also had the bread pudding.
His appetite is amazing and he works so hard he isn't gaining any weight.
(He looks F A B U L O U S )

Thanks Judy for the bottle of wine...now we really have to go out another night this week..it was great meeting your wonderful Andrew...we'll all have go to CBGB to sample his cooking!!
Judy you are a real dear...thanks for your tender loving care, you always make us feel so welcome at Montville Inn.

Gail has been here for the last 10 days....a real joy.
We've been out with Paul a few times....it's easier in a threesome.
We'll miss her....really miss her!!

Not sure if I mentioned the Jac and fox episode?
Fox chased cat...cat turned and chased fox deep into the woods.
Not good for stress levels....don't want to lose our kitten.
Paul doesn't want to keep her locked inside (he certainly understands physical confinement)
but now if it's an overcast, dark day...I won't let her out.
I guess the fox in our area are fooled into thinking that gray days equal evening.

Paul is really doing well in Physical Therapy. He is ahead of the game.... stronger than he was before the seizure. He also is up to 49 outta 55 on the 'danger of falling' scale. Anything over 50 is considered good....less likely to have a fall!!
He's almost there!
He spends the entire PT session without his cane. Even when he walks sideways and backwards.
The other day he was walking backwards down the hall and John, one of the
Physical Therapists...yelled down the hall....."hey, ya now playing defense?"
Paul groaned!!
His humor still spot on!

We spend hours working on Speech....I mean hour after hour......
He is making progress.
Paul is able to use the word NO...most of the time he can think of the word and then form the word and use it on command.
Which is different than an automatic response.
We've been working on gestures....sometimes getting them mixed up...which can lead to trouble. Driving along and giving me the pee/bathroom gesture when he meant to say OK....is not a good thing!

A few weeks ago Gene Frenette a columnist with the Jacksonville paper called and interviewed Paul. Bob Hayes finally made it into the Profootball Hall of Fame...Jacksonville was all abuzz...giving credit to Paul for all of his past effor to induct Bob.
He wrote a bittersweet article.....
here's the link to the article.
We also heard from a few of Bob Hayes relatives...they called Paul to express their gratitude!

Thanks everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers....I can feel you pushing us up this
slippery hill!!

Hope all of our football friends have great seasons....without any problems with any of the players or coaching staff. No more fistfights....or self abuse!!

Love to all.......

ps.....Paul won our game of WAR........

Paul's Memoirs.......

2009-08-15T13:20:00.012-04:00

Paul had been working on his memoirs...I just found this outline/promo that he sent to his agent. He was about 80% finished writing them.
I am so happy to have 80%........
............I dream of the last 20%!!

Paul wrote me a letter.....

2009-08-11T12:08:00.003-04:00

I hesitate publishing this note....Paul has worked so hard to get to this point. But as you can tell he has miles to go!

It is wonderful that he has gotten to the point of making letters and trying to form words.
He even paid close attention to addressing the envelope...making sure to scratch out the SI mailing address.
Paul looks at this note and sees just what he intended to write.
It surprises him that I can't read it.

I have spent 30 minutes trying to find out what he intended to write. I have to ask 'yes' & 'no' questions. It's tough for Paul to answer with only one word or head shake. So he breaks out in a series of when, when, wheeeennnn....when when?
"Nope, honey, I don't understand, I have to ask you yes and no questions".
Then it's back to whens....................

The closest I can come to what he wants to tell me....just a note about everyday things............

At times I'm numb with grief.......
.................................................................................................................

2009-08-07T00:23:00.000-04:00

Things I've learned

2009-08-06T16:16:00.014-04:00

I received an e-mail from Cindy...another wife in the
stroke-rehab-trenches.
I love her list of
"Things I've Learned"

*There is no such thing as a schedule

*EVERYTHING takes twice as long

* I do not know which restroom to use with Jonathan when the sign says handicap & women, or handicap & men. I peeked in the men's and chose the women's.

*I know nothing about plumbing disaster

*I miss my husband

2009-08-06T16:07:00.001-04:00

2009-08-06T15:47:00.005-04:00

Today's bridge find...

2009-08-06T13:20:00.001-04:00

As you can tell...I don't get much beyond our bridge.....

July Sunday . . .leaf on bridge

2009-07-26T21:10:00.006-04:00

I just read that the NFL training camps start this week....or was it next week?
What bittersweet memories.
The camps had begun to be a real annoyance for Paul the last few years...so many restrictions...a different era.
But no way in hell would he have stopped going.
I sit here shaking my head....(I hear a strange rattle).
He was damned good at what he did....meeting him was always memorable. You couldn't argue his knowledge for the game....the details. I can even go as far as saying it would be difficult to find someone with as much knowledge about many things.
Wine...coins...books....history.........
You must tire of hearing me say this but....god how I miss his voice.

We spent three hours today working on getting a little of it back.
We started with vowel sounds....and then added a consonant.....eeeeeeeee then an mmmmmm. Then we reversed and did the mmmmmmm followed by the eeeeeee.
ME
NO
BE
WE
Paul can't say them spontaneously....yet.
It isn't for lack of trying....on either of our parts.

Heather, Dean and Steve came for a visit......it was a wonderful and frustrating time.
The schedules of a 2 year old and a man in rehab don't ever seem to be in sync.
We only had time to visit late at night.
Heather & Steve really gave us a hand.
We did manage to get both cars in tiptop shape. My '94 Celica is now attached to a battery saver.
I just don't have any time that I drive without Paul in the car. So I never drive the Celica...too hard for Paul to get in and out.
But it is wonderful to have a back up if the Camry has a fit.

All the light bulbs in high places have been replaced....
even the one that required Steve to dangle from a ledge.
He had to send Heather downstairs on a fake errand.
She woulda choked him if she knew what he was up to.
I would have too.

The massage table came down from the top shelf in the garage......I've used it every day.
I set it up in the library....so every morning when we come downstairs and pass through the library....I work on Paul. I am hoping that I can stretch out his hamstrings and whatever
other strings are tight.

Every day we do drills....physical....speech....comprehension....etc.
I feel like a drill instructor.
The teacher I never wanted to be.....but I am damned good...at least I have stamina.
I've never been a sprinter...more a plow horse.
I always had a great respect for teachers....it takes a ton of energy and a huge dose of creativity.
Just this week we are starting to see some real gains....the same gains that we were seeing before Paul's seizure in June.
I am a little gun-shy...kinda terrified. Paul is now almost halfway through the switch from Dilantin to Keppra....the next few weeks we walk a tightrope.

Paul is starting to make some real connections verbally....and the comprehension drills are looking really good. In Physical Therapy on friday Aaron said that Paul was doing some of the exercizes that he was doing before the seizure.
Paul is almost back to where he was physically, before the seizure....and he is ahead of where he was speechwise.
Please God....don't give us another boot!!

Hope that everyone is having a glorious summer!

The week in review....

2009-07-11T15:45:00.013-04:00

Paul is almost physically back to where he was prior to the seizure....not quite as much stamina....but that also may be caused by the two siezure meds.
He is now a week into the 40 day switch from Dilantin to Keppra.
Yesterday the Physical Therapists tried Bioness on his right foot....during Paul's stay at in-patient they had tried it...didn't seem to be effective.
But yesterday looked very promising.
Bioness basically shocks the foot into response.
We learned that Paul must have almost NO feeling in his right leg. It was full tilt and he couldn't feel the shock.....but it seemed to work.
So maybe it's a little mitzvah for him.
It does point out one very important thing.
If Paul has no feeling in his right leg or arm then all the improvement he has made is by sheer force of will!!!!!
Here's a link to Bioness.

Tomorrow Heather & Dean arrive...we are so excited have them come for a few days. Dean is so excited to see Pop-Pop......it'll be a lively few days. I can't wait to spend time with the kids and catch up.

Sunday the 12th.....
List of thanks for the week:
Kim Woods for sending Paul the book about football uniforms over the years..he spent hours going page by page.
Ed Botwinick for all your support and the great video...can't wait to show it to Paul.
Al Ginepra for the ton of CD's including 3 Stooges....big hit!....and your great weekly letters!
Cousin Nikki for trying to figure out Paul's Hebrew name.......Paul knows it but there is no way he can tell us...sigh!
Barbara for throwing us a mini "cocktail party" with a variety of cheeses from Sergio's.
Elle & Chuck for the Meals on Wheels...Elle style....thanks for saving the day!
Tom Danyluk....for the entire book of Paul's articles from the N Y Post...his entire run!! I am thrilled to have them all in one place...thank you...thank you!!
Youngie for sending me Vicki...another wife helping her husband to recover from a stroke!
and last but not least.....Stu for continuing to deal with the million and one details of the auction!!

July 9...09

2009-07-09T21:15:00.002-04:00

My Sweet Boy

2009-07-04T22:14:00.007-04:00

Today we went to a lovely party, given by dear friends.
They were wonderful and very loving...thanks Barbara and Warren.
They did everything to make us feel welcome.
I love you....Paul loves you!!

But it was an emotionally difficult day for me.
I am a mess....crushed.....there aren't words to describe my feelings.
I'm confused about how I feel....feelings are rushing in from all sides.
Sorrow...the deepest sorrow...would be the closest.
Sometimes I feel that if Paul had died then we could keep him intact. That the memory of who he was...all his pieces together....but if he had I wouldn't have seen this side of him. This is his most incredible side.
He is the bravest person I have ever known. Most people in his position would hide...they wouldn't put themselves out there...on display so to speak.
My heart breaks watching Paul as he sits and says 'when when when...when'.
To everyone he is an old man that can't speak.....barely stumbles into a room...with much assistance. It is excruciating seeing him locked inside.
I want to yell...."he is brilliant...he has so many stories to tell....you'd love to know him".
But I don't know who to yell it to...
He sat and ate and listened....and he was so patient. I knew that he wanted me to have fun he wanted me to leave his side and talk to people and mingle.
But how could I dream of leaving him to face the next person to come up and try to talk to him....leaving them to stare at him in confusion...or worse....think he's an asshole that won't talk to them. Maybe that would have been better. We could have agreed to see how people would react to him. Maybe kept a chart....6 people kept talking....4 ignored him...3 people brought other people over....etc
This was the first time that we went to a gathering where people didn't know us...and I didn't want to keep telling everyone...."Paul had a sroke...he has aphasia & apraxia he can't read, write or speak....he understands what you are saying and if you ask him yes & no questions he can answer you.
I'm sure he feels like a doll on display.
So I told a few people....and tried to fit in a few of his favorite stories. I'd quietly bring him drinks and food. Paul always got me drinks and found the special wines and bits of the best food...he always thought of me. I always loved how he took care of me....I only feel grateful to return the favor....but I did it holding back tears.
But I know how hard it is for him. I guess that is what hurts the most. Knowing how much he wanted ME TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
He is my sweet boy!

Thoughts

2009-06-30T13:51:00.021-04:00

Boy, it's so easy to go over to the other side....

thinking of the things that Paul can no longer do.

I try like hell to stop myself...fast.

It is so important to focus on the things he can do...and things that he

couldn't do but can do now.

Even the little things...such as swallowing.

When you can't swallow....you sure as hell don't look at it as a little thing.

He is now a grand swallower.

Every once in awhile when he is exhausted he may have one tiny drool. Like the drool I let loose in college as I concentrated so hard to play my first piano piece,

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

My friend Sue sat at the piano in front of me playing Bach...she turned to say something to me..........and bingo a drool.

Paul & I still have a laugh over that one!

Paul can walk....not a real march...yet....but assisted he can make it into rehab, Dr's offices and most importantly Gourmet Cafe and Montville Inn.

Link to Gourmet Cafe.

Link to Montville Inn.

Food is important....having a meal with friends is really important. Paul scores an A+ in the eating department.

The kids are coming in a few weeks so I suggested to Paul that we should take them to the shore...he howled as if to say "right...and I'm gonna crawl through the sand". I laughed with him then explained that we'd love the drive and we could go to the beach and sit on the wooden walkway or take a drive while the kids enjoyed the sand.

I just can't begin to imagine how it must feel to be in his situation. I'm sure he has hope...hope that he will improve. Improve enough to have a chance for one more walk on the beach...one more time to pick up driftwood...seashells....a favorite rock....stand at the edge of the earth and feel that might pull of water.

We also play this odd morbid game....we think of someone that we know that is in a worse situation. Then we can stop feeling as if we have it so bad. We know a young man that can't eat by himself or walk....but he can talk and read. I asked Paul if he'd rather give up walking to be able to talk and read. He thought for a moment and shook his head. I'm sure that part of him knows he can handle his own situation...but he's not sure how he'd handle a different situation.

Last week when we went to the Kessler West Orange to see Dr. Barrett we saw so many people with incredible challenges....wow that is the place to go if you are feeling sorry for yourself.

A good friend also pointed out something very interesting. He said that when he was a kid his Mom had a living will...."if 'this' happens or 'that', I don't want to survive...blah...blah...blah..." Well, 'this and that' did happen and guess what...she didn't want to give up. She realized that other things about life were pretty damn good...she wasn't ready to let go.
I remember Paul and I having a similar discussion...eyesight and reading were involved in the 'not wanting to live' category. Guess what......Paul definitely isn't ready to call it quits. I'm sure it's different for everyone...............
I'm also trying to have him look ahead....plan trips. We have some time paid for in Mendocino. It's not impossible...just not yet.....

It's late at night...time for me to turn in....this is the time I am most vulnerable....night thoughts.
I think of all the wonderful things we've done...how game Paul was to go anywhere...anytime.
I just don't want him to be sad....I just want him to be happy.
I just want to make some more really happy memories!!

Love to all...........sleep tight!

Thanks for your patience...

2009-06-30T06:14:00.005-04:00

I'm still working away on all the Thank You cards....
I only have a few minutes at the end of long days....usually when we sit
down at the end of the day and watch some sort of BBC show....Foyle's War and
Lovejoy....happen to be two of the series we're working our way through.
I just want all of you to know how much we appreciate your support!!

Saturday...a work day

2009-06-27T15:42:00.004-04:00

Earlier today we did some therapy sessions.
Paul really has improved on the 'matching card game'.
I think the toughest part of the card game
is his loss of vision...he really has to bear down and remember to look to his right.
He also did some writing...both printing and cursive,
Counting and indentifying of numbers,
and vocal games.
100%
That is really terrific!
Better than before the seizure...whew....relief here!!

Today Paul is sorting through boxes in the kitchen.
He just started to go through boxes of paperwork/books etc.
I asked him if he could read any of it...."no". Hmmm, I said...I think you reading more than you
realize...how do you know what you want to keep and what to toss?

I have a homemade variation of lemon bars in the oven.
Decided to find out how lime-coconut would taste in place of the lemon juice.
I'll let you know.
(Of course I decided to bake on one of the warmer days....Paul never called me 'bright Linda')

I still hear Paul on the monitor sorting....opps,
just heard the timer go off!!
Happy Saturday to you!!

Two weeks in limbo...

2009-06-26T21:00:00.026-04:00

The last two weeks...from June 1oth...have been difficult!
We're just starting to see through the setbacks.
In fact...Paul is coming along....again.
I think he is afraid to hope....hope that he will continue on a
clear path.
We have seen three Doctors this week and consulted with a fourth.
It looks as if Keppra will be the drug of choice for seizure control.
Evidently, having a seizure this far removed from the strokes is a pretty good
indication that Paul would have other seizures.
So seizure medication it is.
Here's the deal....it will take at least a month to switch drugs.
(See above for the directions...seriously these are the directions!...No I didn't destroy the directions.....)
Yep, even though he has only been on the other drug for a few weeks.
AND...there is a chance that during the switch he may have another seizure.
But, the side effects of Dilantin...in the long run...are more severe than Keppra.
Why didn't the doctors start him on Keppra to begin?
Dilantin is an EASIER drug to monitor....easier to start a regimen.
My head is spinning.
But, I am so grateful that the doctors that we called on this week were very informative, warm and encouraging!
Wish Paul luck...as he jumps into this switch.
Wish us strength & wisdom to continue to make the best choices.

We are so ready for some normalcy...some feeling of stability...some fun!!
It was so good to hear Paul laugh out loud yesterday.

There is something that is very encouraging....he is starting to be able to follow verbal directions for speech activities. I usually try to do some verbal exercises as we drive to rehab. In the past it was not working.
But yesterday.......it really took hold. In fact, he was so excited that he wanted to continue working while we were waiting for Dr. Barrett.
It will really help for him to be able to give me a clear verbal 'yes' & 'no'....especially while we are driving. He always asks me questions and hasn't been able to SAY yes or no....he shakes his head. Well...you try to drive and look to your right!!
Not good!

#41

2009-06-26T20:58:00.002-04:00

I can take it.......

2009-06-25T23:28:00.004-04:00

Early Father's Day....

2009-06-16T12:04:00.007-04:00

(click on imagine to enlarge)

Boy do I miss the kids..........
Heather sent an early Father's Day card. She's in nursing school (Top of class) and won't finish up til August of next year....Dean, the Colonel as Paul calls him, turned two in February. Steve (not in photo)...won Best of Show in the Son-in-Law category for the last several years.
Nathan and Sabrina...I miss my big bear son....and dear sweet Sabrina.
Sarah & Natasha the wonder girls in California....and Mike...congrats on cooking school graduation.

A quick ps:
Today Paul seems a lot better re: the drowsiness. He's a little down..put hey...a day in the dumps is a normal thing.....considering what his 'normal' is now!

Back in the saddle......

2009-06-15T21:46:00.003-04:00

Once again.....or is is 6th again....Paul pulled himself together
and headed back to Kessler in the silver stead with the Flaming Redhead at the wheel.
I've taken on Paul's driving tendencies...it makes him chuckle.
I really have to thank everyone that came together to offer us support....I know I couldn't do it without you....and if I collapse...Paul goes down.
The Kessler staff didn't skip a beat...and within a couple hours Paul was joking around.
Then Paul hit PT and Aaron gave him a round of encouragement.
He told Paul that he hasn't lost any strength..in fact he did better in a few of the drills.
(Paul had been working so hard for the last few weeks to strengthen his hip flexors)
Aaron just feels that Paul is exhausted and will rebound within a few days....that little talk really made a difference!!
That and the fact that Beth came sailing in with a kiss and a wish!!

Tomorrow....Katherine comes for a speech session...and more encouragement!!

Thank God for all of you and everyone that wrote a quick note...you helped me to sit up straight and take it on the chin.....AGAIN!!

PS CONGRATULATIONS to Aaron...Kessler employee of the month!!

Another blow....

2009-06-14T09:36:00.005-04:00

The last few weeks we were really on a roll!
Paul was making great progress...we were beginning to return to some activities....dinner with friends...casual Sundays...hard work at rehab during the week.

We had even made an important decision....we were going to put off our trip to the University of Michigan. We made that decision based on several reasons.
The main reason?
The therapy he's receiving here in NJ.
Paul was doing extremely well in Physical Therapy and we were going to start a new therapy in OT, restraint therapy. Katherine Gallagher was going to come an additional day for speech and Pam had started Paul on a new Speech Therapy at Kessler..PROMPT.
Things were starting to come together!!
We thought that staying on track here in Jersey was a great idea. Plus the fact that the aphasia program at the University of Michigan runs every 6 weeks...so we can go at a later date.

Well....on Wednesday as we were getting ready for Kessler.....Paul had a seizure.
At first I thought Paul was faking.
Yes, for years, Paul thought it was funny to gasp and fake.
It took me ten seconds before I really believed what was happening. Then I had to figure out if he were choking or having a seizure. I started to get him in the position for a Heimlich Maneuver...then I realized that he was breathing and that it was a seizure.
I called 911.
Paul then stopped seizing and fell into a very deep sleep with loud snoring sounds.
So I knew he was breathing.
I ran upstairs to open the doors and to put pants on.
The team arrived within 2 minutes....and off to St. Clair's for round four....is is round four?...no...round five!!

Holy shit..how much can a body take?

It was a really scary time waiting to see how Paul came through the seizure!
He seemed fine...same as he was prior to the seizure.
In the ER I told him that he looked great! He sneered...I knew he was thinking..."Yah, just as normal as...""what the hell is NORMAL""?
All tests came back and all the geniuses believe that Paul had a seizure as a result of scar tissue from the stokes.
It is not unusual.
(Just wish I had been given a heads up re: siezures.)

Now...the not so nice part.
Paul will have to be on anti-seizure medication.
Dilantin.
After talking to 4 doctors, we thought that it was the route to take.
Paul wants to continue his therapy...and stay as aggressive physically. If he doesn't take medication the possibility of another seizure is high. If he has a seizure while walking he would have a great chance of falling.
And falling at 76 on Coumadin is an absolute nightmare.

Side effects of Dilantin....there are some not so wonderful things to worry about and watch....and then there is a very upsetting one. Slowing of motor skills.
So let's see....Paul wants to continue working hard....but now he faces slowing of motor skills....that and he's very sleepy.
I went back to the drawing board and contacted more Doctors...Pharmacists...nurses....even a close friend that is a Veterinarian. (Vets I believe have a greater sense of medical care than MANY medical Dotors...that and the fact that Vet school is tremendously harder to get into!)
Ok...back to my point.
"How is this better for Paul..if he is groggy and sluggish how will he be able to advance is therapy?"
Everyone one I talked to that knew anything about anti-seizure medication told us to wait it out...give it a week...10 days...body will adjust and he should come back to his NORMAL.
So now...we wait!!
Paul returns to Kessler tomorrow morning...and I once again pray that he doesn't get another boot in the face as he tries to climb the ladder again!

Please if you have any breath left to once again send us good vibes, prayers, feng shui...we would be most grateful!!

Kessler Staff.....

2009-05-30T13:42:00.004-04:00

Left to right: Mike, Jill, Doug, Christy, Aaron, Beth, Pam & Erin. With heartfelt thanks to all of you and to the In-Patient staff that aren't in the photo!
Photo by Gail Solomon.

Six Months....

2009-05-29T19:09:00.004-04:00

Click on letter to enlarge.