Today we went to a lovely party, given by dear friends.
They were wonderful and very loving...thanks Barbara and Warren.
They did everything to make us feel welcome.
I love you....Paul loves you!!
But it was an emotionally difficult day for me.
I am a mess....crushed.....there aren't words to describe my feelings.
I'm confused about how I feel....feelings are rushing in from all sides.
Sorrow...the deepest sorrow...would be the closest.
Sometimes I feel that if Paul had died then we could keep him intact. That the memory of who he was...all his pieces together....but if he had I wouldn't have seen this side of him. This is his most incredible side.
He is the bravest person I have ever known. Most people in his position would hide...they wouldn't put themselves out there...on display so to speak.
My heart breaks watching Paul as he sits and says 'when when when...when'.
To everyone he is an old man that can't speak.....barely stumbles into a room...with much assistance. It is excruciating seeing him locked inside.
I want to yell...."he is brilliant...he has so many stories to tell....you'd love to know him".
But I don't know who to yell it to...
He sat and ate and listened....and he was so patient. I knew that he wanted me to have fun he wanted me to leave his side and talk to people and mingle.
But how could I dream of leaving him to face the next person to come up and try to talk to him....leaving them to stare at him in confusion...or worse....think he's an asshole that won't talk to them. Maybe that would have been better. We could have agreed to see how people would react to him. Maybe kept a chart....6 people kept talking....4 ignored him...3 people brought other people over....etc
This was the first time that we went to a gathering where people didn't know us...and I didn't want to keep telling everyone...."Paul had a sroke...he has aphasia & apraxia he can't read, write or speak....he understands what you are saying and if you ask him yes & no questions he can answer you.
I'm sure he feels like a doll on display.
So I told a few people....and tried to fit in a few of his favorite stories. I'd quietly bring him drinks and food. Paul always got me drinks and found the special wines and bits of the best food...he always thought of me. I always loved how he took care of me....I only feel grateful to return the favor....but I did it holding back tears.
But I know how hard it is for him. I guess that is what hurts the most. Knowing how much he wanted ME TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
He is my sweet boy!