Saturday, July 4, 2009

My Sweet Boy

Today we went to a lovely party, given by dear friends.
They were wonderful and very loving...thanks Barbara and Warren.
They did everything to make us feel welcome.
I love you....Paul loves you!!

But it was an emotionally difficult day for me.
I am a mess....crushed.....there aren't words to describe my feelings.
I'm confused about how I feel....feelings are rushing in from all sides.
Sorrow...the deepest sorrow...would be the closest.
Sometimes I feel that if Paul had died then we could keep him intact. That the memory of who he was...all his pieces together....but if he had I wouldn't have seen this side of him. This is his most incredible side.
He is the bravest person I have ever known. Most people in his position would hide...they wouldn't put themselves out there...on display so to speak.
My heart breaks watching Paul as he sits and says 'when when when...when'.
To everyone he is an old man that can't speak.....barely stumbles into a room...with much assistance. It is excruciating seeing him locked inside.
I want to yell...."he is brilliant...he has so many stories to'd love to know him".
But I don't know who to yell it to...
He sat and ate and listened....and he was so patient. I knew that he wanted me to have fun he wanted me to leave his side and talk to people and mingle.
But how could I dream of leaving him to face the next person to come up and try to talk to him....leaving them to stare at him in confusion...or worse....think he's an asshole that won't talk to them. Maybe that would have been better. We could have agreed to see how people would react to him. Maybe kept a chart....6 people kept talking....4 ignored him...3 people brought other people over....etc
This was the first time that we went to a gathering where people didn't know us...and I didn't want to keep telling everyone...."Paul had a sroke...he has aphasia & apraxia he can't read, write or speak....he understands what you are saying and if you ask him yes & no questions he can answer you.
I'm sure he feels like a doll on display.
So I told a few people....and tried to fit in a few of his favorite stories. I'd quietly bring him drinks and food. Paul always got me drinks and found the special wines and bits of the best food...he always thought of me. I always loved how he took care of me....I only feel grateful to return the favor....but I did it holding back tears.
But I know how hard it is for him. I guess that is what hurts the most. Knowing how much he wanted ME TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
He is my sweet boy!


cs_hurt said...

Hi Bailey,
you and Paul don't know me, but I have been an avid reader of Pauls for several years. I have always appreciated the fact that he was about more than just football and was will to let his character come through his writing so clearly. It breaks my heart to read about your experiences, but it also reminds me of the best aspects of love and human nature. Thank you for sharing what I'm sure is so difficult to share. I will keep both of you in my thoughts an prayers.

Anonymous said...

Stay strong like you are. Just that one afternoon with Paul was enough to get a sense of how fun, interesting and smart he is.

Now his remarkable personality and talent have slipped beneath the difficulties which are one of those life curses, right?But he is still a NY boy, yours.

Best wishes to you both for a good week coming ahead.

Regards and salutations,
Annette S

Jörn said...

Hi Bailey,

I'm just one of Paul's many true readers and unfortunately we've never met. I'm following your blog for quite a while now, just because his work always gave me so much joy and great times.
It is absolutely heartbreaking to read what you are going through and I just wanna let you know, that there are certainly many, many people out in the big world who are having you guys in their thoughts! Like me. I'm from europe, far away.

You are a tough cookie, unbelievable. So please stay strong. I'm totally believing that people who are trying so hard like you will be rewarded sometime! :)

All the best to you!


Judy said...

Hi Linda,

It's Judy from MI. Just wanted to say a quick hello to you and Paul and send my love to the two of you.

If people are fortunate enough to meet you and Paul, at this time - they will witness true love and strength. I have been blessed myself to see it.

Stay strong!!


Suzy said...

My heart is aching for you, but at the same time, I am so full of admiration and awe of your strength and love.

You both are in my thoughts. Sending you best wishes and hope for better days ahead.

BaileyZimmerman said...

Thank you all so much for your love & means the world to us!!

Jorn....where do you live?

Jörn said...

I'm from hamburg, germany. - Not exactely one of the famous wine regions I have to admit though. ;)

Anonymous said...

To the infamous flaming redhead from one who flirts from red to brown to blonde depending on the season, I have been so moved after finding your blog several months ago, I'm a 30+ year SI subscriber and he is missed so much. However just today (received my SI) was an article about Rod Laver who suffered a stroke and "love from the family was the thing that got me though it." It was a year before he recovered his speech, memory and mobility. Keep the faith Bailey and know so many are pulling for both of you. Cindy from Columbus