Thoughts

Boy, it's so easy to go over to the other side....

thinking of the things that Paul can no longer do.

I try like hell to stop myself...fast.

It is so important to focus on the things he can do...and things that he

couldn't do but can do now.

Even the little things...such as swallowing.

When you can't swallow....you sure as hell don't look at it as a little thing.

He is now a grand swallower.

Every once in awhile when he is exhausted he may have one tiny drool. Like the drool I let loose in college as I concentrated so hard to play my first piano piece,

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

My friend Sue sat at the piano in front of me playing Bach...she turned to say something to me..........and bingo a drool.

Paul & I still have a laugh over that one!

Paul can walk....not a real march...yet....but assisted he can make it into rehab, Dr's offices and most importantly Gourmet Cafe and Montville Inn.

Link to Gourmet Cafe.

Link to Montville Inn.

Food is important....having a meal with friends is really important. Paul scores an A+ in the eating department.

The kids are coming in a few weeks so I suggested to Paul that we should take them to the shore...he howled as if to say "right...and I'm gonna crawl through the sand". I laughed with him then explained that we'd love the drive and we could go to the beach and sit on the wooden walkway or take a drive while the kids enjoyed the sand.

I just can't begin to imagine how it must feel to be in his situation. I'm sure he has hope...hope that he will improve. Improve enough to have a chance for one more walk on the beach...one more time to pick up driftwood...seashells....a favorite rock....stand at the edge of the earth and feel that might pull of water.

We also play this odd morbid game....we think of someone that we know that is in a worse situation. Then we can stop feeling as if we have it so bad. We know a young man that can't eat by himself or walk....but he can talk and read. I asked Paul if he'd rather give up walking to be able to talk and read. He thought for a moment and shook his head. I'm sure that part of him knows he can handle his own situation...but he's not sure how he'd handle a different situation.

Last week when we went to the Kessler West Orange to see Dr. Barrett we saw so many people with incredible challenges....wow that is the place to go if you are feeling sorry for yourself.

A good friend also pointed out something very interesting. He said that when he was a kid his Mom had a living will...."if 'this' happens or 'that', I don't want to survive...blah...blah...blah..." Well, 'this and that' did happen and guess what...she didn't want to give up. She realized that other things about life were pretty damn good...she wasn't ready to let go.
I remember Paul and I having a similar discussion...eyesight and reading were involved in the 'not wanting to live' category. Guess what......Paul definitely isn't ready to call it quits. I'm sure it's different for everyone...............
I'm also trying to have him look ahead....plan trips. We have some time paid for in Mendocino. It's not impossible...just not yet.....

It's late at night...time for me to turn in....this is the time I am most vulnerable....night thoughts.
I think of all the wonderful things we've done...how game Paul was to go anywhere...anytime.
I just don't want him to be sad....I just want him to be happy.
I just want to make some more really happy memories!!

Love to all...........sleep tight!

Thanks for your patience...

I'm still working away on all the Thank You cards....
I only have a few minutes at the end of long days....usually when we sit
down at the end of the day and watch some sort of BBC show....Foyle's War and
Lovejoy....happen to be two of the series we're working our way through.
I just want all of you to know how much we appreciate your support!!

Saturday...a work day

Earlier today we did some therapy sessions.
Paul really has improved on the 'matching card game'.
I think the toughest part of the card game
is his loss of vision...he really has to bear down and remember to look to his right.
He also did some writing...both printing and cursive,
Counting and indentifying of numbers,
and vocal games.
100%
That is really terrific!
Better than before the seizure...whew....relief here!!

Today Paul is sorting through boxes in the kitchen.
He just started to go through boxes of paperwork/books etc.
I asked him if he could read any of it...."no". Hmmm, I said...I think you reading more than you
realize...how do you know what you want to keep and what to toss?

I have a homemade variation of lemon bars in the oven.
Decided to find out how lime-coconut would taste in place of the lemon juice.
I'll let you know.
(Of course I decided to bake on one of the warmer days....Paul never called me 'bright Linda')

I still hear Paul on the monitor sorting....opps,
just heard the timer go off!!
Happy Saturday to you!!

Two weeks in limbo...

The last two weeks...from June 1oth...have been difficult!
We're just starting to see through the setbacks.
In fact...Paul is coming along....again.
I think he is afraid to hope....hope that he will continue on a
clear path.
We have seen three Doctors this week and consulted with a fourth.
It looks as if Keppra will be the drug of choice for seizure control.
Evidently, having a seizure this far removed from the strokes is a pretty good
indication that Paul would have other seizures.
So seizure medication it is.
Here's the deal....it will take at least a month to switch drugs.
(See above for the directions...seriously these are the directions!...No I didn't destroy the directions.....)
Yep, even though he has only been on the other drug for a few weeks.
AND...there is a chance that during the switch he may have another seizure.
But, the side effects of Dilantin...in the long run...are more severe than Keppra.
Why didn't the doctors start him on Keppra to begin?
Dilantin is an EASIER drug to monitor....easier to start a regimen.
My head is spinning.
But, I am so grateful that the doctors that we called on this week were very informative, warm and encouraging!
Wish Paul luck...as he jumps into this switch.
Wish us strength & wisdom to continue to make the best choices.

We are so ready for some normalcy...some feeling of stability...some fun!!
It was so good to hear Paul laugh out loud yesterday.

There is something that is very encouraging....he is starting to be able to follow verbal directions for speech activities. I usually try to do some verbal exercises as we drive to rehab. In the past it was not working.
But yesterday.......it really took hold. In fact, he was so excited that he wanted to continue working while we were waiting for Dr. Barrett.
It will really help for him to be able to give me a clear verbal 'yes' & 'no'....especially while we are driving. He always asks me questions and hasn't been able to SAY yes or no....he shakes his head. Well...you try to drive and look to your right!!
Not good!

#41

I can take it.......

Early Father's Day....

(click on imagine to enlarge)

Boy do I miss the kids..........
Heather sent an early Father's Day card. She's in nursing school (Top of class) and won't finish up til August of next year....Dean, the Colonel as Paul calls him, turned two in February. Steve (not in photo)...won Best of Show in the Son-in-Law category for the last several years.
Nathan and Sabrina...I miss my big bear son....and dear sweet Sabrina.
Sarah & Natasha the wonder girls in California....and Mike...congrats on cooking school graduation.

A quick ps:
Today Paul seems a lot better re: the drowsiness. He's a little down..put hey...a day in the dumps is a normal thing.....considering what his 'normal' is now!

Back in the saddle......

Once again.....or is is 6th again....Paul pulled himself together
and headed back to Kessler in the silver stead with the Flaming Redhead at the wheel.
I've taken on Paul's driving tendencies...it makes him chuckle.
I really have to thank everyone that came together to offer us support....I know I couldn't do it without you....and if I collapse...Paul goes down.
The Kessler staff didn't skip a beat...and within a couple hours Paul was joking around.
Then Paul hit PT and Aaron gave him a round of encouragement.
He told Paul that he hasn't lost any strength..in fact he did better in a few of the drills.
(Paul had been working so hard for the last few weeks to strengthen his hip flexors)
Aaron just feels that Paul is exhausted and will rebound within a few days....that little talk really made a difference!!
That and the fact that Beth came sailing in with a kiss and a wish!!

Tomorrow....Katherine comes for a speech session...and more encouragement!!

Thank God for all of you and everyone that wrote a quick note...you helped me to sit up straight and take it on the chin.....AGAIN!!

PS CONGRATULATIONS to Aaron...Kessler employee of the month!!

Another blow....

The last few weeks we were really on a roll!
Paul was making great progress...we were beginning to return to some activities....dinner with friends...casual Sundays...hard work at rehab during the week.

We had even made an important decision....we were going to put off our trip to the University of Michigan. We made that decision based on several reasons.
The main reason?
The therapy he's receiving here in NJ.
Paul was doing extremely well in Physical Therapy and we were going to start a new therapy in OT, restraint therapy. Katherine Gallagher was going to come an additional day for speech and Pam had started Paul on a new Speech Therapy at Kessler..PROMPT.
Things were starting to come together!!
We thought that staying on track here in Jersey was a great idea. Plus the fact that the aphasia program at the University of Michigan runs every 6 weeks...so we can go at a later date.

Well....on Wednesday as we were getting ready for Kessler.....Paul had a seizure.
At first I thought Paul was faking.
Yes, for years, Paul thought it was funny to gasp and fake.
It took me ten seconds before I really believed what was happening. Then I had to figure out if he were choking or having a seizure. I started to get him in the position for a Heimlich Maneuver...then I realized that he was breathing and that it was a seizure.
I called 911.
Paul then stopped seizing and fell into a very deep sleep with loud snoring sounds.
So I knew he was breathing.
I ran upstairs to open the doors and to put pants on.
The team arrived within 2 minutes....and off to St. Clair's for round four....is is round four?...no...round five!!

Holy shit..how much can a body take?

It was a really scary time waiting to see how Paul came through the seizure!
He seemed fine...same as he was prior to the seizure.
In the ER I told him that he looked great! He sneered...I knew he was thinking..."Yah, just as normal as...""what the hell is NORMAL""?
All tests came back and all the geniuses believe that Paul had a seizure as a result of scar tissue from the stokes.
It is not unusual.
(Just wish I had been given a heads up re: siezures.)

Now...the not so nice part.
Paul will have to be on anti-seizure medication.
Dilantin.
After talking to 4 doctors, we thought that it was the route to take.
Paul wants to continue his therapy...and stay as aggressive physically. If he doesn't take medication the possibility of another seizure is high. If he has a seizure while walking he would have a great chance of falling.
And falling at 76 on Coumadin is an absolute nightmare.

Side effects of Dilantin....there are some not so wonderful things to worry about and watch....and then there is a very upsetting one. Slowing of motor skills.
So let's see....Paul wants to continue working hard....but now he faces slowing of motor skills....that and he's very sleepy.
I went back to the drawing board and contacted more Doctors...Pharmacists...nurses....even a close friend that is a Veterinarian. (Vets I believe have a greater sense of medical care than MANY medical Dotors...that and the fact that Vet school is tremendously harder to get into!)
Ok...back to my point.
"How is this better for Paul..if he is groggy and sluggish how will he be able to advance is therapy?"
Everyone one I talked to that knew anything about anti-seizure medication told us to wait it out...give it a week...10 days...body will adjust and he should come back to his NORMAL.
So now...we wait!!
Paul returns to Kessler tomorrow morning...and I once again pray that he doesn't get another boot in the face as he tries to climb the ladder again!

Please if you have any breath left to once again send us good vibes, prayers, feng shui...we would be most grateful!!

Kessler Staff.....

Left to right: Mike, Jill, Doug, Christy, Aaron, Beth, Pam & Erin. With heartfelt thanks to all of you and to the In-Patient staff that aren't in the photo!
Photo by Gail Solomon.

Six Months....

Click on letter to enlarge.

Peonies up close...

I haven't had much time for photography..thanks to Karen and Arthur...the flowers they sent are on the kitchen table....Paul was dozing and I got my cheapo faux macro lens and took some shots....

Trip to Dr Barrett....

May 26th 1pm...appointment with Dr. Anna Barrett:

Usually I scope out any place we plan on going...a drive by...making sure that I can help Paul inside.
I figure we're going to a Kessler Rehab Institute so it should be outfitted to accommodate someone with disabilities. We pull into the impressive long sweeping drive and realize we have arrived at a campus. The note from the Dr. told us to head to the Visitor parking.
We pass several drives and find a VISITOR LOT.
I pull up to the entrance...run in making sure I have the correct building.
Nope..."try down the hill at Out-Patient".
Drive down to first entrance....run in again. "Yes" right building.
"How far is her office from this entrance?...my husband is handicapped and I want to make sure he can make the walk". Pointing to the right she responds "down the hallway door on the right".
I calculate....total feet...700.
Piece of cake.
Heading back to the car I check out the sidewalk...one curb and two dips...seems OK.
In we go....head down the hall...get Paul in a chair.
Go to the desk.."we're checking in for an appointment with Dr. Barrett"......"Oh, Dr. Barrett is on the second floor".....me, "are you sure?".
"yep"...followed but an extensive set of directions.

Off we go....finding the elevator. Asking someone to hold the door....stepping off on floor #2, we proceed down an extremely long corridor...
400 feet...yes rehab will do that do you...everything measured in feet.
Vacant......
voices in the distance. We aim for voices. "Dr, Barrett's office?" "Dr. Barrett is on the floor below, floor #1....which is really floor #2".
(Note that is the European style of floor numbering. Ground floor... 1st floor, 2nd floor etc. Somehow I didn't think I'd find that in West Orange NJ.)

Heading back to the elevator I ask Paul if he wants to wait in a chair while I go downstairs to explore...double-check.... "No"
He's tough.
Off on floor #1....spot a chair...snag a guy to pull chair closer.
Paul sits
I head off to make sure we are in the right place.
Of course it's down the frickin' long corridor...through the open doors.
Back to get Paul.
He chugs along like a turtle swimming in mud....after all he has now walked 1000'.
We get through the doors and land in a chair.
Magazine in hand.
"Oh, you're here to see Dr. Barrett? Are you sure you're seeing her here and not downstairs in the clinic?"
"Loud groan" in unison from Paul & me.
I mention that Paul has now seen every floor of Kessler and that we can't go downstairs unless she is CERTAIN that is exactly where he needs to be.
Milly escorts us to the lobby level....slowly,
yes you guessed it we're back where we started!

I'm instructed to fill out 3 more papers and go to the door down the "long corridor" of course..."to pay your co-pay & return and I'll bring Paul to an examination room".
I return and Paul crawls to the chair....finally the correct chair.
I glance at the clock....12:57.
Three minutes early.

We are never late!!


more later....

Adler Aphasia Center

Here is a video explaining aphasia....the inability to speak!
Click on link.

Peony. . .

A few words...

Right...as if I can only say a few words.....or write without the dots separating my thoughts.
By the way...what are the dots called?...I remember asking Paul.... and he told me....but now I can't ask him and of course I don't remember what he told me.
A quarter for the first person to tell me....see I'm up to date...I'm not offering a penny for your thoughts!

We're still reeling from Monday night.
Paul has jumped a notch or two since then...all the stimulation was a real charge for him.
Most people recovering from a stroke find that crowds, noise, action etc are too stimulating.
I've noticed that Paul hasn't been affected that way...I think he is very unusual. Before the stroke he could write a column and carry on a conversation with me at the same time. He could handle things coming at him in many directions.
Well, with exception...computer or mechanical problems would send him into a woozle.

Physically Paul is really hitting his stride...making improvements daily. Aaron PT guru, is really pushing hard and Paul is responding.
Aaron sits on a short stool and has Paul pushing him down the hallway...."push...push right through me...go...go..."
I see them go by in a flash....almost running.
(Don't try this at home....it appears larger...faster in the mirror)

Paul is "talking" non-stop.
""Da da gla da til da when do a dat th when...when? Da ta ta mata ta la when do da....da?""
With tons of inflection...but no real words YET. I take that back...he does say NO & YAH.
It is very frustrating at times....really...really frustrating....
and heartbreaking....
then frustrating.

Today....I started to gather all the lists...from Stu, Peter, Barbara....of everyone that donated, volunteered, sacrificed etc. I have hundreds of thank -you cards to write.
I'm very excited to write to everyone.
It will take me some time...so if you don't get a note within a week...please be patient.....I'm writing as fast as I can.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU

On Tues May 26th we go to see the aphasia specialist....
and it is so exciting that we can consider all of her recommendations without worrying about "how are we going to pay for this"!!
I'll keep you posted....
xox

Karen's gift.....

We came home from a lonnnng day at rehab and found this surprise at our door....we could smell them before we found them....L I L A C S .......I've been needing a fix.....glorious. Thanks Karen and Arthur.............again.....and....again.....for everything!

Linda and Layng Martine...inspiration

I just wanted to repeat a mention of Linda and Layng Martine.
Layng wrote one of the most poignant stories I've ever read....and by the way....it's also beautifully written.
I know I mentioned it awhile ago...but his words echo in my head and help me every day!
It was Published in the NY Times on Sunday March 6th, 2009.
Here is one of the most beautiful love stories of all time!!
Layng & Linda's story.
If you don't have time to read anything else on this blog today...please make sure that you take the time to read this!!

ps
Layng....your notes and support help me make it day to day....much love to you two!!

A heartfelt letter from Bettie...

The night of the fundraiser a beautiful young woman, Christine Calandra, came up to Paul & me and told us about her Mother. Her Mom, Bettie Greber, had had a stroke just about the same time that Paul had his. Bettie also had to have additional surgery....the same day as the fundraiser.
It was such a hardship for Christine to come to the fundraiser...but she felt she just had to come and offer Paul & me support!
It was one of the loveliest moments of the evening.
Christine told us of her Mom's struggle to recover.
The next day I received this beautiful letter....painstakingly typed by Bettie...one-handed.
It is touching...and extremely telling.
No one can describe what it's like to have a stroke and recover...no one but someone recovering.
She is an inspiration to us...someone to look up to!
Much love to you Bettie....thanks so much!!

Steve Sabol's artwork...dedicated to Paul

Steve made this piece for the fundraiser auction.
Make sure you read the description...what a great piece!!
Thanks Steve......word's are too small to express our gratitude!

Top 10 ways to talk to Dr. Z

Beth Weil & Paul at the fundraiser.....photo taken by Kessler photographer....I have to find out "who" the Kessler photographer and give him/her credit!

(click on list to enlarge poster)

Beth, Pam & Erin....and the rest of the Kessler therapists worked on this 10 ways to communicate with Dr Z. It is so thoughtful and right on!!!

Two more articles - May 18th event

Click on articles to enlarge

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What a night.....! ! !

(Click on article above to make print larger.)
The above article is from Peter's Kings column....
link to column.


Well Peter King and Barbara Neibart did it...put on the most fabulous shindig!!

They pulled together an incredible team...there is no way any of this would have happened without the efforts of Stu Kirsch....he and Josh put the entire auction together. What amazing people. Stu drove down from the Boston area...worked all day and headed back late last night.
He has a horse farm...and those babies won't tolerate Dad being away too long!!

I also want to say a big thanks to Ed Nelson who made it possible to have all the paperwork and funds go through the Nothing is Impossible Foundation. A non-profit fund that was started by
Charles McGivney Jr & Jeffrey Kluger...of the famous firm of McGivney & Kluger.

I don't think there will ever be a way to thank them!!

Mayfair Farms sparkled...the setting was fabulous and the staff superb!
Friends...fans....poured in from near and far (Seattle, San Francisco, Montreal, Boston.....)
Steve Politi, a columnist from the Newark Star Ledger wrote a great piece that appeared in this morning's edition.
Link to Steve's article.

Paul had a terrific night...
and that makes me very happy!

ps...I will write more later....thanking everyone...coaches....teams...organizations....friends....family....fans...and the many people that
have made it possible for Paul to get extensive therapy....off to take care of Beastie!!

Tomorrow's the big event!

Today is a day of rest...lol...what the hell is rest?

Welllllll it's a day that we don't have to leave the house......and a day without a specific

schedule.
Ahhhhh!!

The fundraiser for Paul is tomorrow night at Mayfair Farms.
Link to Mayfair Farms.
(It's been a delight working with Tony & Sam at Mayfair Farms!)
The response has been amazing....there will be well over 200 people attending.
Donations have poured in from around the world!

When Peter King and Barbara Neibart offered to 'do something'...I figured they would open a Pay Pal account and that 20 people would donate $10.
I thought great...anything will help to defray the wild cost of rehab. The outpour of love and support is miraculous!
Barbara's first course of action was to find out about opening a non-profit account.
She headed over to her accountant to finish up her taxes. News not so good...it would take a few months....but he had an idea. McGivney & Kluger, the lawfirm upstairs runs a non-profit organization....maybe just maybe they would help.
Bingo!!
Barbara met with Ed Nelson and YES they would be happy to assist!
Peter gathered amazing items/packages together to offer at an auction...he mentioned it in his Monday Morning Quarterback column... Link... and it was off and running....developing a life of its own!
Barbara and I looked at each other..."Auction?" "Do you know anything about an auction? Maybe Peter knows?"....quick e-mail to Peter. "Nope..."
Somewhere outta the heavens appeared Stu Kirsch....he offered to help with the auction.
He and Josh Tolub have angelically run this ethereal over-the-wire event!
Take a look at what Stu & Josh put together with the items that Peter gathered!!
Link to auction.
WOW!!

Thanks to Gary Gottlieb, a family member with prestigious medical credentials, arranged for us to discuss Paul's case with a prominent Harvard/Spaulding rehab specialist....Dr Zafonte has been wonderful making arrangements for Paul to see an Aphasic specialist.
On May 26th we have an appointment for Paul to be evaluated!
It is so wonderful knowing that we can go to this appointment and not worry about the expenses for the extensive therapy!
I think it is wonderful that Paul has this support....people recognize how much he has given and they want to return the favor!
We are most humbled!!

What a day............

Paul walked....
walked without a cane for over 300' ! !

I still can't believe....and I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it!
Today in physical therapy Aaron decided to give it a try.
He thought that Paul was certainly strong enough!

I was sitting nearby and didn't know that he was going to give Paul a try.
I looked up and there he was walking by with Aaron. Not running mind you...but a real walk.
They headed off down the long hall and returned.
Then Aaron came over to me and handed me Paul's cane..'here you take this, he's not using it'.
He then walked with Paul to Occupational therapy....greeting Christy in the hallway.
Christy is one of Paul's Occupational therapist and Aaron's wife.
She was stunned to see Paul heading her way...caneless......and like all good Mom's was nervous watching Paul on his maiden voyage!
I was too stunned to be nervous!!

Paul was finally impressed with himself!!
There was no way he could deny this fantastic accomplishment!!

(Paul has a way to go regarding stability before he gets to clip his wings and toss the cane for good...but it's coming!!)

A few of the Kessler gang will be at the fundraiser on May 18th....speaking of the fundraiser it's really taking off BIG TIME!!

188 people have purchased tickets and the on-line auction is going gang-busters.
Link to auction site.
What does this mean?
T H E R A P Y. . . BIG TIME...especially speech therapy.
Paul & I are stunned at the turn out.
I am thrilled that so many have joined together to show him such incredible support and love!!
THANKS AGAIN & AGAIN ! !

Paulism's. . .

For years Paul would leave newspaper clippings next to my plate....something to go with breakfast.
Many times they were photographs with new captions.
Back in '07 I decided to make a book with all the caption clippings for the year.
About a month after his stroke I saw it lying on the kitchen table...such a bittersweet reminder of his brilliance.
I wept....then laughed til I cried!
I love my book!

ps If you have trouble reading the captions...click on them to bring up a larger image.

10 000 000 000 000 Ten Trillion Dollar Donation

Jeff, from Colorado, thanks so much for your generous donation!!
LOL
I'm gonna frame that bill!

Coach Brad Childress's message to Paul

Here are still shots of the video...."Brad in Tryouts"...soon to be released!!

Brad has decided to tryout for the 2009 season...he decided that the team needs him as a player...what a guy!!
He can coach and play at the same time!!

Brad....we were rolling with laughter.

ps Notice I took a photo of the best legs in the NFL!!

W H O O P E E ! !

Brad...thanks a million....we'll play this til the grooves give out!!

Note...these are still shots I took from a CD...sorry that I couldn't download the film.

Hot....hot...hot...!!

Pushing the 90 degree mark and the trees are still leafless!
Paul is now two shades darker and drowsy from the sun.
A few puffy white clouds are hanging heavy in the blue sky...too warm to roll on.

I just made a gigantic pot of ham n' bean soup....I'm not kidding I made gallons.
Not sure how hot soup will taste on this hot day.
The neighbors are in for a surprise....I may not call them...just let them find the cauldron at their doorstep.

Sunday is the one day that we just take it easy....sorta....at least not any major therapy.
I've been starting some hot n' cold dips for Paul's right hand...trying to work on reducing the swelling. Reduced swelling means more movement...more movement means one step closer to independence. I'm also trying to convince Paul that he needs to use his right hand without any help from his left hand. Every time he uses it solo the brain gets a signal, if he continues to help with his stronger left hand then the right hand won't get stronger as fast.
His Occupational Therapists at Kessler are thinking of using 'restraint therapy'...restricting the use of the strong hand.
He can be so stubborn and will argue with me every step of the way!


I want to thank everyone for the kind, warm, enthusiastic support we've received this week!! Thanks John for your warm heartfelt note......working away with Paul can be a little isolating it's so wonderful when people respond with such warmth. I made a copy of your note so that I can reread it in the middle of the night when I can't get back to sleep.
Kim...thanks so much for everything you've done. 'Specially defending me to a bitter poster! The rice-neck-warmer you sent is like a warm hug. I've been using it since you sent it last month. Paul waved it off....I think he felt like an old man with a blanket on his lap. Then a few days ago I gave him a shoulder rub and put the warmer around his neck...now he asks for it!! LOL...I doubt he'll ask for it when we have company....it's his dirty little secret!

We're living wild now!

Thanks Nikki for a grand visit....

Paul's cousin Nikki came on Tues....bearing a bottle of red!
Thanks for your lovely visit and touching note that followed.

Sring at Kessler...

Boy it's been a long road to spring this year! That makes the sweet spring air even sweeter!

Paul had his first month Physical Therapy evaluation on Friday.
When Aaron evaluated Paul a month ago, he did a series of tests to judge Paul's balance.
The highest score is 56....and anything above a 50 means a low likelihood for a fall.
Paul scored 31...not terrible...but closer to a Weeble than we'd like.
Yesterday he scored 41!!
That's a 10 point jump in one month!
I'm thrilled...Paul is only slightly excited.

When Paul is at Kessler...Monday, Wednesday and Friday he doesn't use his wheelchair. We walk from site to site. He uses his wheelchair at home, downstairs.
I now have a new goal.
The wheelchair will be returned in one month!!
(I'll keep a light transport chair in the trunk of the car...just in case...I never want Paul to miss any fun for lack of transport!)
It's an ambitious goal...but off we go...reaching for the stars....well, at least the ceiling!

We've hit the road running....Gail, Paul and I went out to dinner twice this week.
A favorite Indian Buffet....Paul has to trust me to get the food he loves....plus I go back to get MORE of the food he loves and if I forgot any of the food he loves.
Last night we went to see Matt at Gourmet Cafe...Paul was is humming heaven...soft-shell crabs.
Humming is Paul's favorite form of verbal communication....he hums beautifully and in perfect pitch!
Today we wandered the back roads of Jersey hunting for spring....we found some early traces.
Daffodils, jonquils, weeping willows, robins, a few tulips....and green hills.
It's coming folks and were ready!!

Farm next to Kessler in Chester...

The farm next to Kessler is coming alive after the long winter break.
I love the row of birdhouses on the fence posts....every day I'd pull into the drive at Kessler and think about the birds arriving in the spring.
I can't wait to see who shows up...my money is on a family of finches!

Great rhythm developing

There is a certain peace that has come over our household.

A certain rhythm...making all the difficulties easier.

We've been ironing out all the logistics...managing all the new equipment. It took a few weeks to get used to the stair gliders...we were forever tangled in the levers, switches, footrests, etc. Paul now manages well...he can push the levers...stop in mid-ride to let me pass.

Our life is full of humor... more laughter than tears....mostly silly looks of understanding.

Yesterday Sarah & Natasha (Pauls' daughter/grandaughter) arrived.

We had a grand time going out with everyone....Barbara, Warren, Gail, Sarah & Natasha. It was Paul's first dinner out since his stroke in November.

It was wonderful!!

When Paul and I got into the car...he pulled out a pencil that he had stowed in his pocket. I then realized that he wanted to bring the new little pocket version wine book that he started a few weeks ago. He takes copious notes of every wine that he tries. His taste buds still aren't totally back on track. But last night he really gave all the wines a real try.


April 11th....2009!
Day before Easter....cheescake just came outta the oven. It's great warm...maybe even better than served chilled. I may be on to something....cheesecake pudding.
Missing Seder this year in Philly...but will fill in with cheesecake and dare I say...oh my gawd ham. I didn't say it...really I didn't mean it.
My sister will eat the ham!

Paul is starting to say more than "when".
He has actually said..."well" several times this week.
And he blurted out "get out" to Aaron his Physical Therapist. Aaron was prodding him...making sure he was ok on the recumbent cycle.
Aaron was so excited he called his wife....Paul's Occupational Therapist.
We're still dizzy with therapy...a constant motion of activity. Paul loves it, but I have to admit when he realized it was Friday he sighed with relief!
Thanks to Jill & Jim Steeg for the two gigantic boxes of workout clothes!!
Paul won best dressed at Kessler this week!!

Peter e-mailed with the LIST...the list of items he's gathered for the auction/fundraiser that's happening on May 18th.
A M A Z I N G ! !
That is the only word that comes to mind.

We can't believe what Peter has done and as a result of his efforts,
the outpouring of support from the Coaches, Teams, Owners, the NFL League, NFL Films, Wine Media Guild, Sports Illustrated, Editors, Colleagues, several law firms & Nothing is Impossible org, Friends, Family...it's such an emotional lift for Paul!
Each week Peter is highlighting a few more items to be auctioned...he's featuring them in his Monday Morning Quarterback column.
Link to Peter's Column.
The reality of going to the University of Michigan for an intensive 6 week aphasia program is looking more like a real possibility every day!
Thanks to all the support!!
One other person that is making all of this a reality is our dear friend Barbara Neibart. Oh god, I hope she'll remain a friend....she's working her *&^ off to pull all of this together.

Heading downstairs...gonna check on cheesecake...Paul may be drowning in cream cheese!!
What a way to go!

Happy Holidays to all!!

ps No time this year for colored eggs...white one will have to do!

The sun's out in more ways than one.........

A nice, strong, spring, Jersey sun is shining!
Paul's tanning in the kitchen...I'm fried red.

The high-speed therapy is kicking in....he is really doing well.
His breakfast order was made in record-breaking time!
eggs?
yes
scrambled
no
medium boiled
yes

english muffin with raisins
no
half a bagel
yes
cream cheese
no
butter
yes
that's goyish...ya sure?
yes
Last week....it took 30 minutes figuring out what he wanted...and I'm not sure he really got what he wanted. His preschool report still holds true....
"he's motivated by food".

We've really seemed to hit our stride...a great rhythm...it's amazing how much easier we can communicate. So many of his therapists are pushing him to look into an augmentative communication device. He's not quite ready. I think he feels it would be giving in to a degree...we'll see. I don't want him to feel as if he has to have me around to get his message across.
He still wants his four newspapers everyday...we settle for 3 to 4 times a week...on our way to therapy.
Paul spends hours going through them.

The running-around-the room and jumping-up-n'-down speech therapy (that's me not him) seems to be working. Let me rephrase that. I think ALL the therapy leading up to now, seems to be working. I notice that he makes more advances verbally etc. when he has tons of Physical Therapy. They seem to go hand in hand.
We're at Kessler three afternoons a week...he really loves the work.
No wheelchair for him...I help him from therapy to therapy....he does love to sneak out the back door at the end of the day...saving 100' of walking!!

There have so many gifts of love and support the last few weeks!
Barbara...Elle...Nancy...Joni..Ann & Joe, the food mavens of northern Jersey....and Edith the queen of borscht from Philly!!
We can't thank you enough...when we come home at the end of therapy days we're beat...it's so nice not having to figure out what to have for dinner!
I've even gotten Nancy to divulge a secret recipe....shhhhh!

I've been saving the biggest news for the last.
Once again Peter King has come to our rescue.
He & our dear friend Barbara Neibart are organizing a fundraiser to help cover the cost of extensive speech/aphasia therapy.
He made the announcement in his Monday Morning Quarterback column in SI.com.
Link to Peter's column.
We plan on going to the University of Michigan for an intensive 6 week aphasia program in August...23 hours a week of therapy!
Link to University of Michigan site.
August is the first opening available...but I figure that will give him more time to get physically stronger. Haven't decided if we'll fly or drive....trying to weigh the pros and cons of both. More flexibility if we drive...pit stops...and we'll have our own car...one less thing for Paul to have to adapt to. He really is fearless...I think he'd go in a space shuttle.

My sister Gail is coming to stay with us for a few weeks...she'll be helping Barbara with the fundraiser...hopefully they won't drown in the details.
Sarah and Natasha, Paul's daughter and grandaughter will also be visiting next week.

My big plan....heading out to dinner...it's time Paul hits the streets and entertains the masses!

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU

November Sunday on the Grand Canal....

A glorious day with a wonderful friend....and a great bottle of Moscato d'Asti!

Thanks....

Thanks for your notes of encouragement!!
I figured I should post a message soon....after my last meltdown, I'm sure that everyone thought I was down for the count. No...just having a really tough day!
I've been trying to take a second look at our surroundings....looking for grace notes in every corner of our lives. Scarves in drawers....posters stacked in the living room....the buds coming out on the vines covering the windows...well, soon the vines will cover the window with their annual blanket of green.

Today we went to St. Catherine's parking lot...for a nice...flat....walk. You would be amazed how many dips are in sidewalks...parking lots....fields. When we hit a downhill Paul starts to really roll along. No, he's not in a wheelchair...he just starts gaining momentum....and off he goes.
After we finished our run....
I suggested a drive.
Something we never had time for before. Off we went...wandering in the woods. Up to Split Rock Reservoir.....on to the Tourne.....with Paul directing my every move. Bossy....bossy...arguing the entire time. I take this as a really good sign.
I told him he sounded like a Geiger counter....ta ta da da tit ti da ti a buzzz.....up and down the lane.
Maybe he has a new career as a Tuva throat singer?

My favorite photo of Paul...

I always loved this photo of Paul...it was taken in a castle in the Gorges of Tarn.
I took it at the end of a long day of exploring....Paul is always game for exploring every tiny road...even if it leads to a dead end and we have to back up for a mile.
We've done that several times.....and a few times I've refused to stay in the car......

One of the hardest things about Paul's disabilities is the fact that it disables him from his natural sense of exploration. Now he is reexploring the kitchen and the the nuances of the car and couch.
I don't want to see him lose his passion....his drive. I'm wondering if he can continue to keep up his spirits....his sense of wonderment.....with his limitations.
I know...many of you are going to give me a line of crap..."oh it's all is his viewpoint...keep looking forward...etc." How many of you have been faced with such tragedy...and for such an extended period of time?

There isn't one aspect of our lives that hasn't changed. Even our sleeping patterns...we were night people....loved the late nights....we'd work til 10ish and then sit down to watch a movie. Usually going to bed on the far side of midnight.
I just put Paul down...it's still daylight...7pm....he started dozing around 6.
Paul use to do the long distance driving...and into the city. I did the neighborhood driving....that hasn't changed.
So I guess I'm exaggerating.
Paul handled all the expenses...taxes...Social Security etc....it made him more comfortable. It's not a bad thing that I have had to take a crash course in finance. I'm doing fine. But I am nervous about switching to a no-earning household into retirement status. Not sure how we'll fare with the wild expenses and a huge cut in salary.
Sure we'll find out....as the rest of the nation is in the same boat.
I loved our life together...we were so close and had so much time together....and solitude....and peace....security and freedom....emotional freedom.
It is now so demanding and scheduled....not unlike having an infant in the house.

This week Paul started out-patient rehab at Kessler. It's very demanding...but in a good way. Paul loves the hard work...it's physically demanding. The physical & occupational therapy are excellent. The speech therapy....not so good. Thank god, we started with the speech pathologist....she's excellent. Katherine comes to house on Wed afternoons. The only problem...I am suppose to supplement his sessions....three times a day.
It is impossible.
I can sneak in one or two...but Paul isn't keen on having me drill him constantly.

The amount of pressure on me is enormous....I feel as if I'm totally responsible for his progess.
You wouldn't believe the work that is assigned to me.
"get Paul's records"
"set up the muffin tin game"
"the fix-it project" (holy shit...I just remembered that I haven't done that yet)
"Sing another song...5 or so a day"
"make sure he does four sets of twenty - 3 times a day"
"put on his compression glove"
"he should wear his splint 2 hours on and 2 hours off- total of 8 hours a day"
"make sure his pulse rate is above 50 before you give him this med"
"don't give him this med if his blood pressure is too low"
"make sure you sit on his right side"
"don't sit on his right side...it's hard for him to see you"
"watch his right arm...he forgets he has it"
"trace the alphabet"
"have him blow out matches...bubbles...blow toy"
"ice his hand"
"put heat on his shoulder"
"fill out the forms and get a letter from the doctor"


this is just the tip of the iceberg...this is after I give him a shave...haircut...manicure...pedicure....lotion his feet....help him brush his teeth...get him dressed and not to mention the unmentionable...bathroom duties.


One thing that we really are working hard on is getting a clear 'yes' & 'no' answer.
Paul knows his answer...but it comes out jumbled. This is especially maddening in the middle of the night.
"Paul do you have to pee?"...
"nay"
"is that a nay, yes or a nay no?"
"nay-nay"
I get up and turn on the hall light and he looks up stunned as if to say "what are you doing, I'm trying to sleep".
An average night is 4 trips....a good night 2....a nightmare night 6.
Kinda hard to function the next day!

Can you imagine not being able to ask the person you love a simple yes or no question?

We were driving to therapy & I was thinking about the drive I was going to make the next day to the accountant....taxes.
"Hey hon, is it under an hour or just over an hour to Christine's?"
"when...whenna...when...wheennn...when?"
"Paul could you just say yes or no?"
"when, when, whennnnaaaaa?"
If he wants to give me additional info that requires more than a yes or no answer he gets stuck.

I can't begin to express my pain....the pain of losing his conversation. The endless stories that I tried to memorize....the joy he had in telling me.
I find myself rocking in grief...not sure if I grieve more for him or me.
I grieve for the nonchalant way the world responds to our lose...a skipped breath...blip in the radar.
Doesn't anyone else miss this man's brilliance?
I could scream at the universe....yell at the gods....curse the mailman....kick the cat.
But all I do is cry....by myself....in corners.


I'm sorry about posting such a difficult post....but I think that too many caregivers are sitting in the shadows and suffering silently. If I can give a snapshot of what so many are going through...letting the world in....seeing how the other side suffers....if I can help one person or if one person realizes that someone understands.....maybe a shoulder to cry on.......
then maybe my tears are not in vain.

One week makes a difference....

The week started out rough...barely treading water.
Last Sunday I read a column in the NY Times....Layng Martine Jr wrote about taking care of his paraplegic wife for the last 15 years. I figured if he could do it for 15 years then I could give it a real shot!
One very important thought that he conveyed was the fact that all it has really taken is EFFORT.
He felt that that was a small price to pay. Somehow looking at it that simply, helped me immensely...gave me a new perspective! It was a turning point for me. I wrote a thank you to him...here is a link to his love letter to Linda, his wife. Martine's column

What started out rough has ended with joy!
I can't tell you how excited we are about all of Paul's progress this week.
Hmmm where to begin?
How about finding a bottle of dessert wine in the frig?....a bottle of Mitch Consentino's semillion...I looked at Paul and asked him 'how the hell did you get this here?' It had been in the family room. Somehow he got it and tucked it into his wheelchair and hauled it two rooms to the frig. I haven't been further than 10 feet from him in weeks. I realized that for days he had been trying to tell me that he wanted to chill a bottle and have it with dinner......

Paul is whipping through flash cards....he in now organizing the 'sequencing action cards'. Cards that I find confusing...I keep second-guessing which event comes first, the walk in the orchard? Or eating the apple?

He has become annoyed at the picture flash cards and is working his way through identifying the alphabet. You can't imagine my joy....I have been going over the alphabet til I'm ready to pop. I thought it was useless. NOW HE CAN IDENTIFY 70% . We also put together the puzzle of the United States, that Sarah sent.
A few weeks ago...impossible.
He insists on 'reading' the daily papers....for months I have gotten them...he looks at them. I really think that all of his concentrating is paying off. He spent over an hour working on a Suduko puzzle he only filled in two numbers....but I'm sure that he was really figuring things out...and that we'll see the results in a few days!
The Occupational Therapist bought a booklet of diagrams illustrating his daily arm/hand exercises....after she left...I found him at the table with the booklet open and he was going through each one. I know this all sounds like small potatoes....but you have no idea how long we have been working on picture identification.
It is miraculous!

One last note of the week....all of you men over 50 will understand my Flomax faux paus.
The other night I gave Paul his Flomax before bed....and I suffered the consquenses.
He was calling for the urinal every hour on the hour all night.
Flomax in the AM....is my new mantra!

Monday we start out-patient at Kessler....I am battle ready!!
We are going to lick this &%#$# stroke!!
Paul will return....HE WILL TALK....HE WILL WALK ALONE.
I Don't think so, I KNOW so!

Love to all.....gotta run I hear grumbling on the monitor.

Coming home today!!

I'm on my way to pick up Paul....Kessler has done an amazing job of putting all of Paul's pieces back together.

  Now we'll find the best speech therapy that we can find!!

Send us blessings!!

Coming home

Posters I'm having made....

I'm having them made through Shutterfly....20" X 30"....love the Shutterfly quality......

November..My favorite month

New dishes...Lotus by CB2

I ordered these awhile ago...they make me smile!

Trying to live day by day....

It's been tough since November 22nd, the day that Paul had his first stroke. The only way for me to keep my head above water was to take it minute by minute....then I moved to hour to hour.....I've finally moved to DAY TO DAY.

I just came across this quote......made me feel as if I'm on track.....not pushing too far ahead and losing the moment.

"Between the wish and the thing...life lies waiting".

Shoes for Barbara.....

My friend Barbara loves to design shoes for her critters.....here are a couple for her!!
Check out Oct 9th & 26th 2007 for postings about Barbara!

Fabulous Day today....Red letter Day!

Sarah & Michael, Paul's children are visiting this weekend.  

When I arrived today....Paul was coming out of therapy and was trying to find them.  He went to the front desk....and tried to make it known what he wanted.  I wasn't sure. 

Within a minute or two both of the kids came into the front door...they had run an errand.  

Well, Paul was relieved HE WANTED TO GET BACK TO HIS GAME OF MONOPOLY!!

Holy shit he's playing Monopoly....really playing.  OK sometimes he doesn't get the amount on the dice exactly correct, but he does most of the time and he counts the money....fairly well.  AND he understands the concepts of the game....

I'm over the moon!!

Happy Valentine's Day

Here is my floating Valentine...somewhere in the sky over the Deserted Village on Achill Island on the west coast of Ireland.

Link to Deserted Village.

ps...SI response update!

I am slowly going through the 63,000 responses that have come into Sports Illustrated wishing Paul well!
Peter called earlier this morning to find out how Paul & I are doing today...hours before the game...as if he didn't have more important things to do!
He mentioned that 63,000 people have sent Paul get-well messages!
I can't wait to see Paul & tell him!!
Messages arrived from Singapore, Costa Rica, Sweden, Italy, Poland, Tokyo, Iraq, Canada, New Zealand, Australia, Mexico, England, Scotland......

ps I loved the above message that I found on the back of the Carlson family get-well card...

SI readers respond....THANKS A MILLION!!!!

This week Peter King mentioned Paul in his SI Monday Morning Quarterback column.
(click on page 5)
The response was overwhelming!!
What a tremendous lift it gave us!
This morning when I walked into Kessler....Paul was in his wheelchair surrounded by piles of letters....books....notes....e-mails....he was literally buried.
I cried...he cried...
The staff was amazed!!
It has been an emotionally tough week! It was/is so wonderful to read all of your letters.
I brought the stack home tonight so that I could sort through and send some e-mail responses.

What a bunch of warm-hearted softies....cards were chosen with care and meaning. I could just image all of you standing in the drug store...deciding on the perfect card.

"Cheer up! The doctor says that you'll be normal soon! Which proves there's a first time for everything!"

"I'm desperate...Nothing can replace the void your absence creates"

"OOOO! I HATE when I laugh and food comes out my nose...Happy Birthday to someone who's fun to be around".
Brad & Karen said..."I know it's not your birthday but every time I look at this card I laugh out loud and I thought you probably need a good laugh right now! It's followed with a ps "You've got a great friend in Peter King".

YES...he is a tremendous friend...he has made weekly treks out to the wilderness of the Jersey woods! Words fail me...the time and energy that Peter has shown can never be repaid!


It is hard to believe that so many people spent so much time and care to deliver heartfelt messages....Handmade cards with photos of family....art cards, Rothko, Degas, Monet...to remind us that we are still surrounded by beauty. Quotes from Winston Churchhill..."Never, never, never, never give up!!

Dom...thanks for taking the time to gather all of these messages and books and sending them to Kessler. Your finger must be sore from pressing the print button! (I'll pass your note onto Paul in the morning...)

There was also an offer from Rick to help with our insurance company....yes..yes...You'll be hearing from me soon.

ALSO a huge thanks to Arthur, the brother that Paul never had...the help and support you have given us goes beyond friendship! The Zabar's roast beef was a godsend!

I also want to thank so many for thinking of me....it is such a boost to my morale. Thanks Ed for the copy of My Stroke of Insight...and for your kind words.

Claudio, an Italian reader in Singapore, who listed all of his Get Well Soon wishes for Paul including "The Flaming Redhead needs you. and "Dawn was beautiful this morning. I heard tomorrow it might be even better"!
Paul & me both went down in a heap with that sentiment!

Lastly and most appropriately I have to quote Byron Rupp.
"You're tougher than a $2 steak...work hard and you'll be back in the saddle before you know it"!

Amen

From Jen a Hong Kong treasure.........

OK.....so now I just have to figure out how to put it together......lol.
Thanks Jen for the good laugh!!

No Super Bowl this year....

PAUL has covered every Super Bowl with the exception of the first one...he watched that one from home. The paper that Paul worked for at the time didn't think the Super Bowl was worth covering so they assigned him to a swim meet...he faked illness and charted it from home.
It is a very sad week for us....we normally head out the week before...arriving before the teams.
So instead of covering Picture Day with the teams, Paul is learning how to blow.

Paul is on the selection committee for the Hall of Fame.
I predict that because my Paul won't be attending the meeting Paul Tagliabue will be inducted into the Hall of Fame.
You heard it here first!!

Kessler Rehabilation Institute

Last weekend Heather, Steve & Dean came from Florida to see Paul.
It was great watching Paul with Dean...and Dean's reaction to Paul.
Laughter is good!

It's been a wild week....trying to deal with the insurance company...Social Security....Time Warner benefits....arranging for chair lifts etc. I found out we need to buy 4 chair lifts...over $17,000....and they aren't covered by insurance!!
Holy %^#@
Give me strength!!

Paul is really working hard...progress is mostly evident physically, walking & use of his arm.
He is working with a new speech therapist...Beth....she is truly remarkable. I think she is breaking through, figuring out ways to help Paul make progress.
Fingers crossed that United Healthcare will give him more time....I am fightling like hell!!

lol...notice who looks the most dazed and confused?
I have the 'deer in the headlights' look!!

Murano details...November moments

Torcello pomegranates

When Barbara and I went to Torcello for lunch at Locanda Cipriani's our waiter presented us with the pomegranates that we had been admiring....thorns and all.

I've always thought that pomegranates are the sexiest of fruits...

An 'Oh God' moment

During a scrubdown of my shower, two tiles and the soapdish fell off the wall. I grabbed the closest plastic bag and taped it to the remaining tiles. When I walked by later I realized I had used a Selfridges bag.
Hey, I'm lucky...at least I've been to Selfridges!

ps remind me of this when I'm wrestling with Paul and his wheelchair next week......

pss...dig those 50's tiles?

My guy.....

Yesterday at Kessler (rehab)....I ran out to get an extra plate
and when I returned I found this rose at my place.
I looked at Paul and asked 'did you put that here'?
He shrugged as if to say he didn't know HOW it got
there...I asked again....realizing that he had
taken it from the little arrangement at the center of the table.
I burst into tears....he is still thinking of me and trying to do nice
things for me.
Hell, he can only reach so far....he doesn't have access to anything.
And there was the rose!!

Happy New Year!

Here is a teaser of images to come.....AN AMAZING VENETIAN BOAT RIDE!!

Thankful end of the year. . .

What a great day...a peaceful day...locked away in the house....too much snow to leave.
A wind whipping across the lake....a few minutes to create.
Started the day with mint tea and english muffin that I sliced with my new Swiss Army knife. (gifts from Barbara). I topped the muffin with the peach butter from Kim...and lit my candle from Gail.
Then I opened my e-mail from Anthony...and a Robert Frost poem appeared. I then remembered the song I received from Yves the other day....introducing me to Holly Cole.
More e-mails...Karl, coming to visit us tomorrow. Katherine with wishes of love & strength. Shari saying just the right things.
Then I head to the mailbox...Beverly our maillady always makes it through the snow. Inside the box was another big surprise!! Amazing treats from Kim.
So I sit here counting my blessings...yes a cliche phrase....stuffing my face with peppermint mocha shortbread.....and realize that I am happy.
Yes...thanks to all of the love that all of you have sent my way!!

WOW what a boost of aesthetics...gifts from the heart to feed my soul!!

Thank you,

Ringing out the old year....thank God!!

Just a quick note about Paul and his progress........journey.
He has had a wild ride this last few weeks....literally wild rides. Two trips back to the hospital...he took a dive at rehab. Down he went on his head. Thank God his head is hard....no bleeds...cat scan OK.
Trip two - bladder spasms....bad pain. Think it's now addressed. Also hoping that rehab stays on top of his Coumadin (med for blood thinning) readings.

Speech slow in returning...."when" is his word. As in When...when...wheeen..when...........when...when......whennn...when....when when...when..when.....WHEN...when..when...When....wHen....when whenwhenwhenwhenwhen. I have to stop him and repeat what he has said so that he 'hears' it. When he speaks he hears what is in his head, which is a full spectrum of words.
Sound frustrating?
You can only imagine!

I find that the best thing to do is try to speak for him. When someone says something, I know what he's thinking....so I say it for him. He howls with laughter!! I don't think he thought that I was paying such close attention for all these years!
I'm becoming Paul.

Much love to all and when you ring in the new year.....think of us and send us a toast!!

A note from Karl....

Click on above note to enlarge!

Karl is a physical therapist that has had a large impact on Paul and his recovery.
Here is a Christmas note that I received from him.....what a great blast of humor!!

Snowed in and feeling black and blue......

I couldn't get across our icy bridge to see Paul today...
so I decided to work on some of my images from Venice.
Blackish and white seemed to be the theme.....
.........
....
.

Where have I been?

Just wanted to let everyone know why I disappeared.
On the morning of November 22nd Paul suffered a stroke....and then early the following morning he had a second, more severe stroke.
We are on the ride from hell!
Paul has lost the ability to speak, read and write.....for a writer this is devastating. He also has a significant lose of vision and his right arm and leg are also tremendously paralyzed.
He is struggling with his lose with humor and determination!
I am constantly amazed at his grace!
My heart breaks 50 times a day as I can only imagine his suffering!

Keep us in your thoughts and whatever form of prayer you practice.....even smoke signals are appreciated!

Home from Venezia

and still floating.....

Leaving for Venice...

I'm packing...leaving for Venice on the 30th.....I'll be back on the 18th of November!!

Happy Birthday to my dear boy. . .

Lakewood Drive - October 22, 2008

What you don't see on the SI site...here's the full image!!

LOL...hey, now I know how it  feels to be edited!!

Dr Z's Mailbag column.

Sunday 5:05

Obama is Irish

Friday's window. . .

Autumn's start

Gondoliers for Obama

The autumn light. . .

The soft waning light of an autumn evening...golden...slanted

hint of wisdom in the air

lovely rush of melancholy

deliverance

restitution

essence of longing

Thinking of Autumn. . .

I wonder if our Autumn will be as brilliant as last year's?

Museum Factory - Istvan Horkay

Istvan Horkay....another form of melancholy:

Istvan's Web-site

Dr Z for Dr Pepper- Radio commercial

Mixed Media Monday - Stars

Sunday musings. . .

Mixed Media Monday - Nature

One of my leaf/drawing-assemblages. . . 

Leonardo's? What do you think?

Click on text to enlarge!

Article printed in Sunday August 23rd NY Times.

Deck then and now

I love the deck on our third floor....it's my treehouse.  

A photo from last autumn and 

one taken today....late summer!

Mixed Media Monday - This week's theme is NUMBERS.

Check out Mixed Media Monday.

Barcelona

Watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona brought back memories of Barcelona.

I took these photos on a brilliant day...perfect for viewing Gaudi's masterpieces.

But I wonder if dusk....midnight....by the light of a fire...wouldn't be a better way to view this sensually electric city?

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

I had an enjoyable afternoon in the dark watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

What starts as somewhat of a cliche finishes with reality.....at least my reality. 

I felt as if at some point in my life I had been each of the characters.

What fun watching Javier....Penelope....Scarlett....up close and personal.

The cast was great...and the script was well written....and

Barcelona was as sensual as usual!!

I posted the trailer below. . .

Website for VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

Click here for VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA website.

It started in '86

My shadow problem started in '86.

We were on a trip to California...I took pictures of our shadows.

I liked the idea that all of our shadows were together

on the earth....we became one.

It felt more intimate that a normal portrait....a permanent mark on the planet!

I came home and decided to draw these portraits.

Poor kids....I'm sure they would much rather have a great colored photo!!

Shadows

Yesterday when Kim sent me the shadow photo....it made me think.  I didn't realize that I had so many photos of people's shadows.  

I started to go through my images....hummmm....I guess I do.

Kim & Carey

Recently my nieces got together with their families.

Carey snapped this photo to send to me.

Proving that I'm not the only 

SHADOW

   in the family. . . .

Impulsive

Have you ever purchased something just because you loved the way it looked...even if you didn't have a spot for it...or a place to wear it....or it doesn't go with anything.?

That's just what I did....I bought a zebra chair!

I guess that's a side effect of being a visual junkie?

What did you buy?  

Were / are you happy you bought it?

Did you buy something else to go with it....make it work...like a dress to go with the pink & green ballet slippers?

Maybe I got the chair to go with my Rose Griffin ceramics???

Just wondering what I'll do next. . . . .

New Chair . . .

The Fortunoff sale catalog arrived yesterday....I couldn't resist this chair.  She'll arrive next Wednesday.

Now I just have to find a 

place for her. . . .

Mixed Media Monday. . .FASHION is this week's theme.

Some of my favorite designers!!

Check out Mixed Media Monday.

Late Summer Flowers at Birchwood Lake

Single hydrangea. . .

Trips. . .

Paul has kept a log of all of my trips....

25 to Europe

2 to New Zealand

2 to Canada

FRANCE- Paris-Brittany-Provence-Normandy-Allace-Arles-Avignon-Cahors-Rocamadour-Velleron-Bonnieux-Gorges of Tarn-Nice-Perros Guirec-Mont San Michel-Pouilly sur Loire--Versailles-Grasse-Giverny-Amboise-Fountains of Vaucluse

ITALY-Dolomites-Ortisei-Fie-Cinque Terre-Venice-Burano-Murano-Torcello-San Francisco delDeserto-Chioggia-Rome-Tuscany-Lucca-Bologna-Ravenna-Trieste-Urbino-Sienna-Montepulciano-Loro Ciuffenna-Montalcino-Chianti-San Gimignano-Florence-Adriatic Coast-Basanno del Grappa-Carrara-Arezzo-Lake Garda-

SLOVENIA-Ljubljanaa-Lake Bled-

CROATIA-Istrian Penisula-Pula-Rovinji-Opatija

SPAIN-Barcelona-Sitges-Figueres-Tamariu-Cadaques-San Feliu de Guixois-Costa Brava

SWITZERLAND-Montreux-Lausanne-Zurich-Gruyeres-

NORWAY-Oslo-Moss-Narvik-Harstad-Voss-Lofoten Islands-Tromso-Bergen-

SWEDEN-Stockholm-Ladingo-Uppsala

FINLAND-Helsinki

GERMANY-Mosel-Rhine-Franfurt-Garmisch-Mittenwald-Lindau/Bodensee

ENGLAND-London-Lake District-Cornwall-Devon-

WALES-Hay on Wye

IRELAND-Dublin-Donegal/Slieve League-Kerry-Dingle-Belfast-Westport-Ballyvaughan-Sneem-Kilkenny-Wicklow-Achill Island-Belmullet

SCOTLAND-Isle of Skye-Uig/Portree-Oban-Inverness-St. Andrews-Stranraer

CZECH REPUBLIC-Prague

AUSTRIA

LUXEMBOURG

LIECHTENSTEIN

CANADA-British Columbia-Vancouver Island-Tofino-Uclulet-Lake Shawnigan-Victoria-Thunder Bay

MEXICO

ANTIGUA

21 (Countries)

8 trips to Venice, 3 with Paul

8 trips to Paris, 3 with Paul

In the States:

CALIFORNIA

San Francisco

Mendocino 12 times

Sacramento

San Jose

Napa/Sonoma

San Diego

Los Angeles

Santa Barbara

Highway 1

ARIZONA

Phoenix

Sedona

Flagstaff

Tucson

Grand Canyon

Prescott

Payson

Jerome

Pinetop/Lakeside

COLORADO

Denver

Colorado Springs

Durango

Estes Park

Winter Park

Aspen

Snowmass

Rocky Mountain National Park

Telluride

NEW MEXICO

Albuquerque

Santa Fe

MINNESOTA

Milwalkee

ILLINOIS

Chicago

MICHIGAN

Dowagiac

Detroit

NEW YORK

Manhattan

Rochester/Pittsford

Hudson Valley

RHODE ISLAND

Providence

Newport

MASSACHUSETT

Foxboro

Boston

Berkshires

MAINE

CONNECTICUT

NEVADA

Las Vegas

FLORIDA

Miami

Fort Lauaderdale

Tampa

Orlando

MARYLAND

WASHINGTON

Seattle

Orcas Island

Whidbey Island

Olympic Penisula/Port Townsend

OREGON

Portland

Gold Beach

Oregon Coastline

OHIO

Cleveland

PENNSYLVANIA

Pittsburgh

Philadelphia

GEORGIA

Atlanta

LOUISIANA

New Orleans

UTAH

Brian Head/Deer Valley/Alta

Salt Lake City

TEXAS

Dallas

Archer City

*Update as of 6/25/09:
26 trips to Europe
9 trips to Venice

On my desk . . .

Wende & Bill's - Lake Canadaigua

Paradise on the lake

gardens reaching to the shores

reflecting pond

flowers flowers flowers

homemade baguettes from the hands of Chef Bill

Taittinger Champagne

'69 Vosne-Romanee, Remoissenet kissed by the angels

Matanzas Creek Chardonnay, an oaky wonder

bowls of steaming pasta w/ jumbo prawns

acres of water

hours of warm conversation

a night of lovely memories!

For Gail....a Mountain Lake's Sunday

Dean

Dean . . . 18 months

Stargazer lily