Happiness...

I belong to an internet group of women from around the world.
The other day one of them mentioned that they were truly happy.
I started thinking about it and realized that I am
truly happy.
I am truly loved and I know that I am capable of truly loving.
Paul is improving every day....in tiny increments.
BUT improvement is improvement.

What is happiness?

Contentment?

I can't say I'm content....that is a little too complacent for where we are now...we can't afford contentment.

But we can afford a huge dose of happiness and laughter.

Paul is downstairs watching the Jets and New England....he is wrestling with the newspapers. It's not easy with one hand....but he damn well does it...and he does it damn well!

The light from lake is dancing on my studio ceiling....and a lonesome bird is chirping to himself.

I love this quiet time of year!

Windows open...soft golden light....the slowing down of summer.

I wonder how I'll feel when fall finally kicks in?

November 22 will mark a year into this journey.

I've always adored autumn....but I wonder if it will sting?

Feels like autumn

Time to break out my favorite earrings...bought them on Murano last November.

Surreal

We sit at the kitchen table and read the paper.....

I read.....

Paul tries..........

I watch...

he really tries for hours to read.

This morning he looked across the table and shrugged...I knew.

I knew he can't make out the words.

I  cried.  

I don't know exactly why I cried.

Is it the fact that I'm pissed..."why Paul?...he loved to read and he read and read and read...why not some idiot that doesn't even bother reading?" 

Do I cry because of the effort he puts into trying to read?  I'm serious he tries for hours every day.

He reads football stats...newspapers...charts....TV Guides.  

You name it, he still tries. 

I still can't believe this is happening....it can't be real!!

Time marches on....and on.

Here we are approaching 10 months....seems closer to 10 years!
The last week has been good...we keep in constant motion...somehow that seems to help.
Less time to dwell on what isn't and look closer at what is.
What is?
Humor is what is.....
Paul is constantly trying to hide things....
faking a frozen hand....
making crazy faces.
I do have to say he stopped with the seizure-faking.

The last week he has started to do something that is really wonderful...
it seems simple but it is really wonderful.
He can pretty much say "yah" and "no". It only took 10 months and thousands of hours.
It works really well at home....between us. If we are out with others and he really wants to talk....then it's less consistent.

Earlier this week Peter King called and wanted to come out with Ann on Friday to meet us for lunch. That evening Jared Bell called and also asked about lunch on Friday.
We all headed to Montville Inn.
It was great catching up with everyone and hearing some football news.
Bittersweet....
Paul is so far behind and so busy surviving rehab...he was...
geeze....not quite sure exactly how he felt.
He seems OK without his game.
But it really seems so odd to me...he adored football and all that surrounded the game.

Maybe survival leaves no room for anything else?


Paul & I went for a walk today....heard a woodpecker.
Love the hollow knocking sound.
The melancholy shadow of the arrival of fall.
My favorite time of year.....I ain't no sissy....I can handle the shadows of life.

The mystery of autumn!

Letter from Joel

Hi Linda,

Sorry for not having e-mailed in some time (I was the guy from Michigan that emailed about Ann Arbor and U of M). I hope all is well with Paul and especially you. I read the blog and felt that I had to write you today.

I was moved and inspired by your words and wanted to say thank you for continuing to "share" Paul with us through your your blog. The "humaness" and raw emotion you bring to posting about your personal feelings and Paul is inspiring and refreshing.

Because of my new job, I haven't been able to keep up with reading the blog as much. Reading his memoirs made me smile, like his wit and humor always has. Also made me tear up at my desk, reminded of Paul and the amazing complexity and humor that is him. I LOVED the boring bug story, especially as the father of a precocious and articulate seven year old boy wise beyond his years. To mentally picture him on ABC invoking the Boring Bug is pricleless and a great example of how I think of Dr Z from growing up reading his articles. And wondering as a young boy what kind of Dr. he was! :)

I have also come to appreciate the IMMENSE amount of talent and gifts in your household through your phtotgraphy. Your gift to capture nature and have a simple picture emote feelings inside someone is awe inspiring.

I continue to keep you and Paul in my prayers. I really think the phrase "behind every great man, there is an even greater woman" was written with you in mind. For everyone who cares about Paul or Dr. Z. a million thanks and sincere gratitude. As always, you are Paul's rudder and compass that we as his readers have known for years.

Take care,
Joel

Joel I appreciate your kind words more than I can express..................

What a neck....

Check out the neck on #51 for the Buffalo Bills, Paul Posluszny. (Second row, second from left)

Have you ever seen a neck like his?? His neck is the size of most thighs.................

Click on photo to get a real look at that neck......

I took a walk....

I took a walk this morning....a very fast walk....the first exercise that
I've been able to do since February, when I brought Paul home from Kessler.
It was great!!
Here's the Jay feather I found along the way. . . .